Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @Rollinintheseat (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 2-16-18
*hulk hogan voice* oh brother where art thou
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) February 13, 2018
Elon Musk’s a little younger than I am. He’s a billionaire revolutionising the human experience. I just looked for my phone using the flashlight on my phone.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) February 6, 2018
— James Fridman (@fjamie013) February 15, 2018
Lion: I’ve been trying to work up the courage to tell Dorothy those shoes are hideous.
Tin Man: Yeah, I just don’t have the heart to say anything.
Scarecrow: I’ll do it. Women love honesty.
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) February 2, 2018
cashier: “happy valentines day! is this candy for your girlfriend?” pic.twitter.com/MOESGwJwo6
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) February 15, 2018
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)— taco bell hooks (@ohpegah) February 15, 2018
Roses are red
Candy is delicious pic.twitter.com/DDxXK1EgBl— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural ~4 hours~ (@pixelatedboat) February 14, 2018
Roses are red
Violets are chill
You call them steamed hams
When they’re obviously grilled— 204 days ago Trump promised 24-hr Hezbollah answer (@MattNegrin) February 14, 2018
HAN SOLO: We’re under attack! Quick, to the pods!
CHEWBACCA: [wookie noises]
HAN SOLO: CHEWIE NO
CHEWBACCA: [already chewing a mouthful of Tide Pods]
HAN SOLO: YOU WALKING CARPET. SAVE SOME FOR ME
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 13, 2018
Hell of a coincidence pic.twitter.com/XP77DpfTtx
— BBAM (Knicks 0-82) (@sirdiesel) February 15, 2018
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 15, 2018
Before he met Stills, Nash and Young, David Crosby was a member of a less successful band… pic.twitter.com/eOPkUjhdTh
— Bristol Uni Library (@BristolUniLib) February 9, 2018
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
— Consider it frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) February 13, 2018
I tried speed sledding but I wasn’t good at it. You win some, you luge some.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) February 8, 2018
Okay I don’t always like puns but this one got me good! pic.twitter.com/QTqorBJKg8
— Asher Perlman (@asherperlman) February 13, 2018
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCavemann) January 10, 2018
HAPPY ALENTINE’S AY Y’ALL! #ElArroyoATX #ElArroyoSign https://t.co/VqNGJIi3v7 pic.twitter.com/oIM78DsHQR
— El Arroyo (@ElArroyoATX) February 14, 2018
ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 18, 2018
johnny depp is short for johnny i shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the depputy
— your new dad (@drankturpentine) January 28, 2018
Just found out the reason people say “nice” after someone says “69” isn’t because that’s the year of the moon landing.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 15, 2018
