Photo: New Line Cinema
The long and short of it is that I tried crashing a wedding, and things didn’t quite go according to how the movie portrays it. I know it’s been more than a decade since Wedding Crashers came out, but when watching Vince Vaughn movies, I figure there has to be some truth to it. Because of my suspension of disbelief (or lack thereof), I assumed maybe there’d be free drinks, delicious food and, of course, some single, accessible ladies.
Turns out, everybody knew everyone but me, pretty much everything went horribly awry, and I had no idea what I was talking about for nearly an entire weekend of endless lying. Yet somehow I thought I could fall through the cracks, intrude on a wealthy, well-known family’s special weekend, eat all their food and sleep with their daughters in their own home without any repercussions.
The good news is I didn’t get arrested, but what happened to me by the end of it was far worse. But hey, at least I didn’t crash funerals. OK, I did one.
I Tried Crashing A Wedding And It Was Absolutely Nothing Like The Movie
More truth based on fiction: I Linked 20 years Without New ‘Seinfeld’ Episodes to the Skyrocketing Depression in America
Wedding Crasher
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Crashed With a Coworker, Because We Don't Spend Enough Time Together Already
Apparently, 40 hours a week with somebody isn't enough. You've got to add weekends for a whole season together, too. What could go wrong?
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Crashing Buddy Couldn't Hold His Liquor
Three drinks and he was bug-eyed and talking conspiracy theory. That's what I get for bringing a guy with the last name O'Shea to an open bar.
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Made a Toast, Nobody Knew Who the Fuck I Was
And I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. For the entire day. The "white dress" joke definitely didn't land.
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Danced With Elderly Women to Attract the Young Ladies...
Ended up with a line of horny elderly women, probably ridden with VD and zero fucks to give. Actually, maybe more like one.
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Forgot About Hangovers, Drank Like an Elephant
Who did I think I was, impenetrable to the aftermath after mixing wine, champs, beer and booze, then mixing colors of booze and adding shots in between? Did I think I was Drunk Superman?
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Made Balloon Animals to Impress, Almost Strangled a Child
I only know how to make penises and giant penises. Nothing else, nor do I have interest in expanding my helium-based horizons.
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Opened My Own Bottle of Champs, Pissed Off Everyone in the Room
It wasn't the Rockefeller wedding, but I sure was living for the night. I guess "open bar" has different definitions to different people.
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Spent the Weekend With the Wedding Party (i.e. Trespassing, Looting Paintings, Eating All the Breakfast Foods)
It was just short of a felony B&E. There were only like a dozen of us, yet nobody seemed to mind that I had zero business being there, other than to screw their daughter who was already in a serious relationship.
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Finally Went to Sleep, Things Went Off the Rails
o for 1 on homoerotic tummy sticks with young impressionable strangers. Tomorrow is another day.
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Ate With the Fam, Got Jerked Off Under the Table
Nobody seemed to mind my O-Face and post-orgasm crying. They were too busy with homophobic grandma.
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There She Is, Homophobic Granny
All the talk of "homos" and "rug munchers" took a lot of focus off me, and the fact that I basically sat down with strangers for three days of free meals and came on the reusable napkins.
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Offered Daiquiris & Cigars All Weekend, What Could Be Better
People actually do this for pleasure? This is why I don't like people.
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Never Tried So Hard to Get Laid, Ended Up Needing a Pep Talk
If your pursuit of woman you don't know in her parents' home lead you to peaks and valleys that require pep talks and recharging your batteries, chances are it's not going to work out. Eh, what the hell, keep going until someone catches you.
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OK Busted, Tried a Funeral on the Way Home
Funeral crashing is even worse, and that toast definitely didn't go over well.
