Photo: NBC
We don’t need to give you reasons that will make you never want to date again. But that’s just something people say: Dating sucks. It sure does, but, you know, it could be worse.
Just imagine if you saw something that scarred you so badly that you seriously, actually could never date again? Kind of like if you researched your family ancestry on one of those hip DNA sites and found out you used to get naked with a relative on a semi-frequent basis. Did that hit a little close to home? We were afraid it might.
Below are just a few of the many things that will make you never want to date again, anything from borrowing your toothbrush too early in the relationship to discovering she’s a demon with an apparent hobby of drinking vodka before telling you things about yourself you don’t want to know. Then there’s always the classic closet racist. Or maybe not so closet. At least you’re not finding out she’s like your cousin or something. Boy, that’d be weird.
11 Things That Will Make You Never Want to Date Again (Like Finding You Slept With a Relative While Searching Your Family Ancestry)
More from the art of dating: These Are Easily the Biggest Bedroom Mistakes You Wish You Could Take Back
Done Dating
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Borrowing Your Toothbrush
Not now. Not ever. The toothbrush is a sacred instrument that belongs only two places: in its designated mouth or in its designated toothbrush holder.
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Unsolicited Peens
Nothing like having a nice date, then getting barraged with a landfill of dick pics. If you've seen one you've seen them all, right ladies? And none of them are good so let's just move past this fad.
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Relentless Netflix & Chill
The movie/wine/popcorn night in is also sacred, but it should never be taken advantage of. That's how you get phrases like Netflix & Chill and other dickhead names for privileges you overly abuse.
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Diet Racism
Just...ask who they voted for. It's potentially going to save everyone a lot of time, money and hate crimes.
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Psychotically Competitive
So you let her win a few times (she really kicked your ass), as you should early in a relationship. It's good to be with someone who likes to have fun, but lord knows you don't have the energy to keep score, let alone start a rivalry with every single activity you ever do together. If she asks you if you need a tampon once more, tap out.
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Ruining Your Good Time
Don't go ruining my good mood with reality. Words like "work" and "deadlines" and "Carol, you bitch" are not for the evenings and weekends. Those are for the hours we contemplate taking our lives in the company bathroom.
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Drunks Looking for the Open Bar
Guys love a girl who can party like a man, well, a man with a responsible drinking ethic who doesn't vomit or yell drunken obscenities. But you don't need to bankroll some drunk girl's drinking habit just because you want to get laid. Or you could. But one day she'll have to pick between you and vodka, and I don't think it's looking too good for you, pal.
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Listening to Things You've Been Avoiding
I spent half my life trying to ignore the fact that the Ghostbusters haven't called me back about the part-time busting job. That doesn't mean I need you to remind about it.
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Baby Mama Wannabes
It's better than an Applebee's wannabes, but it's still a bad "bee." It's not fair for women to use dating as a tool to extract semen to build her little army of carpet droolers. That just means you're secondary and highly replaceable. If she's talking kids on datings one through three, pause, stand up and exit through the back.
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Sociopaths
If he's a big fan of himself and says so in the third person, pause, stand up and exit through the back.
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Finding an Ex in the Family Tree
Nothing like being scarred to death by someone you're related to/previously were inside of. Let's just hope you pulled out. There's enough monsters out there already, no need to add to the two-headed goblin list.
