Photo: Universal Pictures
Even four years since the loss of Paul Walker to a real-life car collision, ironically after so many years of very fast and even more furious street racing on the big screen, it doesn’t get any easier to watch 2001’s The Fast and the Furious, a film which defies the laws of physics, as well as rational thinking. Is it the worst blockbuster in decades? Not quite, but it has potential when characters say things like “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time.”
Even though the film is part of one of the highest-grossing franchises, as well as a breakthrough performance for most of its cast (especially Walker and co-lead, Vin Diesel), there are far too many ut-oh moments for a 106-minute movie, including tuna on white with no crust, skank smelling, pink slip betting and beer brand prejudice/product placement. HBO is currently streaming the original film, chock full of some of the cheesiest one-liners and pick-up lines in the history of cinema, much of which has been phased out of recent installments, which feature less street racing and more heists and law enforcement pursuit.
From the start to the finish line, we recap the most memorable movie moments we wish we could erase from our minds, and we’re doing it with 14 hilarious GIFs, of course. As a holiday bonus, we added on sequel moments to further our disdain. Despite less talk about cars, fewer nitrous boosts and a lot more hand-to-hand combat and explosions, and the fact the “Fast” movies are making more money than ever, it’s still tough to get through four minutes of the 16-year-old movie. May we suggest you fast forward (very fast, and very furiously).
Paul Walker Passed Away 4 Years Ago But We Still Can’t Get Through 4 Minutes of ‘The Fast and The Furious’
Seriously though, despite all the unpleasantry, we miss ya, Paul.
More movie trivia: Is ‘Batman and Robin’ the Worst Blockbuster of the Last 20 Years?
F&F
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First Impressions Are Everything
Our first impression of Vin Diesel is that he isn't getting the best lines in the movie. That, or he's just the worst improvisor. If Paul Walker had said, "He smells like shit," would Vin have said, "Now, I smell like shit!"?
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And He's Easily Embarrassed
If this was their way of setting up how badass Vin Diesel is in this group, starting it off with Paul Walker ordering the crappy tuna on white with no crust wasn't the way.
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Some Light Man-Crushing
These two have zero role in the movie, except to fuck things up for everyone else. Why are they constantly racing for pink slips? Don't they know, eventually, they're going to lose their fucking car? Then what would they do with all their free time?
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What Does a Skank Smell Like?
Yes, Michelle Rodriduez. What does a skank smell like, and how are you so familiar with said smell? It's really not the best icebreaker.
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Everyone Has NOS, But Nobody Can Control Their Cars
Love how every time they use the nitrous tanks in their cars to win, it's at light speed and they can barely steer their vehicle, let alone check for pedestrians. Just once I wish they would've hit a little, old lady and her cat outside for the first time in months.
That would have made a great prequel leading into this film, where she, of course, gets run down by a street racer on NOS.
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Ja Rule Can Only Get Laid If He Wins Illegal Street Races
He had two women pending, then he had none. The odds of him winning were pretty bad to begin with, then add on the money he lost? It was a bad night for Ja Rule. Maybe that's why they brought in Ludacris in the sequels.
Or maybe it's because Ja Rule ran out of songs people were willing to listen to.
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Either Hate Him Or Give Him Other People's Warm Beer
"Dude, I don't want some other guy's Corona. That's weird. Get me a fresh beer if you like me so much all of a sudden," should have been what Paul said.
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Personal Street Talk
Hey Paul, that's a personal question, one that can only be responded to with the douchiest of answers.
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Seriously, What's With the Coronas?
It's all they drink, yet nobody ever questions it.
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Quick Car Jump in 80 MPH Traffic
I can't stand on a parked car, let alone jump from one moving 80 MPH on a freeway onto the step of a moving semi. Guess that's why I was never Brian O'Conner. But there's NO WAY he's making it back.
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...He Made It Back.
Son of a bitch, he did it! What are the odds, really? No suspension of reality here, that shit really happened.
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OK, Now Vin Hates You Again
There was a rat in the group. It couldn't possibly have been the new guy (Paul Walker) that Vina nd his crew have been suspicious of the entire movie. It was Paul Walker. Mind blown.
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Two Minutes Later, Paul Wants to Race Vin Once More for No Reason
Paul Walker's character has the proof to bust Vin. Vin knows Brian is a cop. Paul doesn't bust Vin and Vin doesn't kill Paul, but instead they race one last time for...pink slips? Better yet, respect (whatever that is)!
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Hold on the Celebration, Vin
They beat the train they didn't hear coming a quarter mile away by a split second, then, despite their beef, smile very erotically at one another, taking their eyes off the road just long enough for Vin to hit a truck backing out of the driveway. So badass.
Paul doesn't arrest him, but rather gives him his car. Now he's out of a job and a car. Good career choices here, Paul.
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The Sequels Begin With...More Sexism
Not enough misogyny in the first one? Better hike it up!
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...More Paul Staring at Hot Girls Instead of the Road
Seems safe, surely she appreciates that.
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...New Douchebags
This guy can't get a good line in the film so he starts flipping people off.
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...Flying Cars
Because cars on the ground are boring.
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...More Flying Cars But Onto Boats
Actually, flying cars are boring now, too, unless they land on moving boats. No way was there any CGI in that scene.
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...Sexier Dancing
I wasn't convinced Paul and Tyrese were in a real club, at least until I saw those guys dancing in the background.
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...More Car Jumping
Car jumping is lame now, too, unless one of the cars is a tank.
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..More Villains Who Become Allies
The Rock showed up as the badass cop, then totally folds at the end of Fast Five, and now he's basically rebooting the franchise with Jason Statham. Vin and Tyrese aren't looking very fast and a lot less furious.
