Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @fro_vo (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 11-3-17
ME: I feel like we’ve been driving in circles! You’re the worst at giving directions
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY: Alright alright alright
— Ponk™ (@P_o_n_k) November 2, 2017
How can Zuckerberg be real, if his legs aren’t even real? pic.twitter.com/beAJLmDchr
— pewdiepie (@pewdiepie) October 29, 2017
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well
— yabkat (@ohen39) July 20, 2017
I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE DISCOVERY pic.twitter.com/Qx1UPvOaci
— Avery Monsen (@averymonsen) October 31, 2017
Me: One of you… is the murderer
Everyone: *starts sweating*
Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting
— Pumpkin Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 24, 2017
Kids think they’re gettin’ candy tonight when I’m really handing out my mixtape. pic.twitter.com/HjXsODWA3N
— Matt (@mattwhitlockPM) October 31, 2017
I’m not really concerned if your boobs are fake. I know Space Jam wasn’t real and I fucking love Space Jam.
— Taylor (@gingerfaced) July 10, 2013
My ex thought I cheated cuz I smelled like a woman & I let her break up w me cuz didn’t kno how to tell her I use cucumber melon body wash
— go away (@donte5O2) October 25, 2017
Meme costumes age well, right pic.twitter.com/6jUUJ9a6EP
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) October 29, 2017
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) February 1, 2017
For every RT I will show you a DVD my roommate owns pic.twitter.com/18UvcXB0Xk
— ghostbustin BOOusson (@justincousson) October 31, 2017
this pivotal scene from “Se7en” is even crazier in hindsight pic.twitter.com/O5zrf94HGM
— Nickronomicon (@OneTrickTofani) October 31, 2017
[Stranger Things auditions]
DIRECTOR: So, what makes you right for this show?
ME: [starts bleeding from left nostril]
DIRECTOR: Holy shit
— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 31, 2017
Babies be walking around with the same potatoe chip in their hand for like 5 hours
— PROD. BY @VERYRVRE (@TASH__P) October 30, 2017
can’t stop laughing pic.twitter.com/UYL3Hqwa65
— Jenan Moussa (@jenanmoussa) October 31, 2017
Wow fall HGTV lineup coming in hot:
•Flip House
•Flip House 2
•Flip House 2: Vegas
•Flip House 5
•Flips
•House Buy & Sell
•Flips: Vegas
•Flips Ahoy (House Boat Flips)
•Flipping Balls (Flips on Acid)
•Vegas Flips— karate horse (@Karate_Horse) October 31, 2017
[moonlight walk]
Date: i’m getting cold
Me: *removes coat*
Date: oh you’re so sweet
Me: *throws coat in the trash* i’m getting cold now too— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) November 2, 2017
whoops. pic.twitter.com/91cb8MqVCB
— bobby (@bobby) October 31, 2017
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
— Swim Jeans (@ShortSleeveSuit) April 26, 2017
*googles how to win best picture* pic.twitter.com/mYAtIdkzzB
— Tiger Webb (@tfswebb) November 2, 2017
