Photo: Paramount Pictures
We’ve all made them: sex mistakes. It happens. But these are easily the biggest bedroom sex mistakes you wish you never made. Looking all the back to losing our virginity (or trying to) up to the present day, we’re still making all kinds of mishaps in the sack. But it’s high time we address our embarrassing bedroom mistakes so you can learn from our messy misfortunes in the nude.
From piss-poor angles to all the way down the list of embarrassments to missed clits and missed opportunities, we’re educating the masses about bad sex practices. If you’re showing too much O-face or showing up with not enough moves, we’re going to let you know that too. It’s called foreplay, not one-play, dammit.
So for those of your multitasking sandwiches in the sack, spanking too softly and yada, yada, yada-ing sex, let your adult sex-ed lessons begin right now.
These Are Easily The Biggest Bedroom Sex Mistakes You Wish You Never Made
More men screwing up with women: 12 Every-Day Things About Being a Woman That Men Are Fairly Oblivious About
Bedroom Mistakes
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Missing the Clit Entirely
One of the most important things to remember is not to always aim for the bullseye when there's an apple on top. To miss the clit is to miss entirely.
Hint: It's not on the bottom (or her bottom).
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Dirty Talk Too Soon
Dirty talk is alright, but there's a sense of timing that needs to be considered. You don't want order the lobster bisque and then yada, yada, yada, call her your dirty, little whatever. Build up to it, both of you.
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Expediting the Ending
There's no rush, especially if you're not exactly great at holding out. While it may be difficult to control yourself early on, as we all know the excitement of new toys, it's important to prep the oven and other Thanksgiving-related sex puns to make sure everyone is satisfied and still not late for work the next day.
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More Multitasking Than Manageable
Don't bite off more than you can chew. Take it one step at a time. Be the best you that you can be.
Any other platitudes we can redirect for the topic of multitasking in the sack? To be brief, it's good to stimulate as many places as you can at once, but don't short circuit your hard drive. And don't try so hard.
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Anal Without Research
Fun fact: If you pull out too fast her first time, you could severely injure her. Happened to my babysitter once (not while she was babysitting me).
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One Play Instead of Foreplay
Learn a few new cheap moves before entering the ring with a beautiful girl you'd like to impress. Nothing says enthusiasm in the boudoir like a pinch and counter-clockwise twist. Just don't stop short on her (that's my move!).
Seriously though, foreplay. It'll make your life a lot easier if you're halfway decent and thoughtful. A naked quid pro quo is the best kind.
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Spanking a Little Too Hard (Or Too Soft)
Screenshot: YouTube
Some (maybe most) girls liked to be spanked, but there's a right way and a wrong way. Surprisingly, going too soft is kind of a waste of time, but you don't need to qualify yourself as a domestic abuser. Start at a medium and then ask if you should do it again (and harder).
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Car Sex
Don't literally put yourself in a position to fail.
Related: Near-Impossible Sex Positions We Dare You to Master
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Desperate Sex
The most regretted sex mishap is desperate sex. If you're about to make a huge mistake, abort and run home to rub one out. You don't need HPV to fit in. You can quote me on that.
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Too Much O-Face Ever
Sex is about sharing and being comfortable with being vulnerable, but there's a line. That line is your O-face and how much of it you show. Look in the mirror and see if you can recreate yours authentically. Is that something you want anyone to see? How about someone you actually want to see naked again? That's what we thought.
