Photo: Warner Bros.
For as long as Fantasy Football has been around, I’ve always wondered what it is my friends are really up to. They’re gone for long blocks of hours at a time every Sunday, they meet in secret and have highly emotional text threads with one another. This leads me, a guy who has never and will never play fantasy with friends, to make some wild assumptions about the outsider truths of Fantasy Football, as I believe them to not be the whole truth.
If you ask a friend to talk about it, explain the rules to an outsider, they recoil and make excuses about the “complexities of the game,” how it’s “nothing you’d really care to know” and, yet, a day of “beers with the boys” has never had them so flustered. Is there something they’re not telling us? Are their fantasies not as great as they imagined?
For all your fantasy-loving football addicts, those of us who take the fall to get back into our projects, carve pumpkins and act like human beings, we just want you to know: We’ve got our eye on you. And these 10 wild assumptions may not be so wild after all.
10 Wild Assumptions A Guy Who Doesn’t Play Fantasy Football Makes About Friends Who Do
It’s not too early to bring this up: You’re An A-Hole If You Bring Any Of These Things To A Super Bowl Party
Funny Fantasy
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More Fantasy Than Football
I was under the impression you had to watch every single NFL game to keep up. Turns out, lots of fantasy lovers don't watch many games outside of their favorite team and the big matchups. Got me wondering what they're really doing all day Sunday...
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Jerks in a Circle
In football, formation is everything, and a good formation is only as good as its weakest man. So I mean, I guess you could call it a "circle jerk" if you want to name the play.
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Fews Rounds of Fuck, Marry, Kill
With that many people in the same room, sometimes the host has to come up with fun games to play during the downtime. Whether it's Pin the Football on Peyton Manning's Crotch or a rousing game of Fuck, Marry, Kill with your favorite football studs is really based on how much time you've got.
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Wearing the Jerseys of the Players You'd Most Want to Have Sex With
It always bewildered me when a grown man wears another grown man's name on his back. Are you saying you'd get it on with that guy, "if" you had to choose one? Because it seems like you drove to a store, paid a lot of money and drove home with it on, which means you already chose, right? You couldn't just get the hat?(Exempt sports jerseys: Michael Jordan, Ozzie Smith, Walter Payton). But hey, we don't judge at all.
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Weird Sexual Bets With Erotic Endings
How did watching football and drinking beer with your buds turn into daring each other to waddle across the room with a cherry squeezed between your butt cheeks? And why did you eat the cherry when he was done? There was a whole bowl of them right there the entire time.
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You Film It
Commonplace activities between men who enjoy playing sports together include but are not limited to: playing flag football, filming flag football, and reviewing films of playing flag football.
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You Watch What You Filmed Together in the Following Weeks
Of course, you're going to watch it. Together. Holding hands. In a circle.
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Intermissions to Fight
For being a group of guys gathering for football, it sure is a highly emotional time, like Fight Club but passive aggressive and way less cool. Nobody is happy with what they have, some feel cheated on, nobody you picked is trying their best.
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It's Really a Cooking Club
When leaving the house, most girlfriends and wives will think he's a committed, manly man. When she asks what he had to eat later, he'll say hot dogs and beer and to shut up and leave him alone. In reality, there's probably a lot of recipe swapping going on. Nachos were code for garlic hummus lovingly spread across heated gluten-free pita chips. And they were supposed to be for everyone, Gary!
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Lots of Cheers, Tears and Group Hugs
Fantasy Football: The best way for a man to express himself without seeming too affectionate towards other men. (Pants and shirts are optional, but tears and group hugs are almost a most certainty.)
