Photo: Dmitriy Devyatkin (Getty)
Love is a tricky thing. One minute you’re responding to some overdue emails and debating your roommate over the best Super Nintendo game ever, and the next your tongue is lodged deep in a place you promised yourself it would never go, especially after the last time, while their cat watches with untrusting eyes. It’s a little thing we like to call single guy confessions. And this time, I’m afraid I fell in love with a girl from a Craigslist ad when all I really wanted was tickets to see Smash Mouth. Serves me right.
It comes at you when you least expect it (love, not Craigslist personal ads). We try to find it in all the place our friends do: dating apps, dark bars, the gym locker room. When that doesn’t work, we go to new lengths, putting ourselves out of our comfort zone but still safe places: farmers markets, hiking meet-up groups, fucking Burning Man. And then one day, you unconsciously scroll for tickets to a concert with a little too much coffee in your system, feeling a little too good about yourself, and suddenly your life events have all culminated to this moment where your finger is in the butt of a stranger. Is this love? How could it not be? I would never do this for my dog, even if her anal glands were extremely swollen.
Are we saying it’s wrong? No. We’re saying trust your instincts. And if you don’t trust your instincts, trust these 10 ads we’ve chosen for you, sure fire love at first sight. It’s like Zach Braff said in Garden State: “I think I can do this.”
Single Guy Confessions: I Fell In Love With A Girl From A Craigslist Ad
Also, you should know: Your Girlfriend Is Totally Faking It With You in the Sack (Probably) According to Our Findings
I Fell in Love With a Craiglist Girl
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Total Eclipse of the Boner
Sure, you're a little apprehensive about meeting people on Craigslist, that was, until the eclipse came and you were without a reliable sperm donor. A "strong and pure heritage" sounds a lot like our current president: small, bent and dysfunctional.
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Whoring Out Your Daughter
This woman thinks she's being a cool, hip mom helping out her daughter, not realizing she's dangling her little girl on a hook for all the creeps to claw at. Even worse, he gets a free ticket to the game once he's done doing whatever it is those guys do.
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"Power Glove Sex
Never had a power hand job? No problem. This guy seems to already own all the equipment. Ladies, if you're watching, Prince Charming isn't as antiquated as you thought. And men, well, you better catch up.
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Not Gay Jo On Rails"
I love that he had to specify that he's not gay, knowing he definitely threw out some gay suggestions. What the hell is a "jo on rails?" Jerk off? Fuck, I hope this ad is real.
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Cheap Doll Girlfriend
There she is, guys. Isn't she lovely? [Cue Stevie Wonder]
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Poetic Weirdo
This would almost be adorable, if the guy wasn't 36. I mean, yes, we definitely appreciate girls in their gym clothes, but the "from one athlete to another, can I buy you a drink?" should be more like "Would you care to rip some weights and then stare at young, impressionable girls out of my living room window?"
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Woman Seeking (Hit) Man
"If you can't love them, run them over with your car," my mother always said. Sounds like you'll at least get paid or a decent hand job out of it. Maybe she'll take you to her sorority Christmas party. She'll be the one asking dudes to run her over so she has an excuse not to be there with you.
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Pokemon Go Trainer
Get it while it's hot, boys. It's everything you want in one package: cute, tiny and just weird enough for you to be yourself. The nips are a "hard" sell.
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Furry Friend
She thinks she's funny, but she really just got herself invited to a furry convention. That will be a long, fluffy night she'll never forget.
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Plot Of Bad Every Bad Comedy
It's really hard to tell what he thinks he's going to get out of this. My guess: He hasn't quite found himself yet. But he may find himself soon enough in a very dark place thinking Boy, I sure wish I wasn't so fucking funny all the time.
