Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Lord Goomba (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 8-18-17
Cop: ur car smells like marijuana
Me: whoever smelt it dealt it
Cop: gosh dangit
Me: ur under arrest— ZS (@SlonskyZach) August 11, 2017
Imagine carrying 18 dumbbells to the court tryna look cool just to get overshadowed by a old man hitting free throws pic.twitter.com/RLuIIv1WPd
— Sam Yeezy (@samstaydipped) August 2, 2017
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode pic.twitter.com/Qszmvs4yb8
— caroline (@hatwell) July 31, 2017
*on Ellen*
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt— lisi schauer! (@cavedevice) February 27, 2017
I knew it was them. pic.twitter.com/FmlZVPXMFW
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 1, 2017
Oh wow that’s crazy my cousin just got locked up for doin the same shit. https://t.co/Xwd27HyA7X
— Sunny D (@90shero) August 7, 2017
My fiancé calls this painting at Panera “Obama having a meal with various stages of Michael Jacksons.” pic.twitter.com/2CavpgUzoL
— Randall Maynard (@randallmaynard) August 10, 2017
My girl paid for our date 4 the first time bc I left my wallet at home otw back she play TLC’s “Scrubs” on the aux cord 3 times in a row smh
— Ferragamo Hussein (@IAmSteezus) August 12, 2017
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 13, 2017
As a weed man you not suppose to have no life. You suppose to be on the block 24/7. Why I call this nigga and he at Six Flags wtf
— I FOLLOW BACK (@GoofyBam) August 6, 2017
Serious question, is Piglet wearing a romper or is that just his body?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 29, 2017
I’m being proactive rn with this whole north korea thing, that’s right, I’m on the toilet with a cowboy hat so I can leave a funny skeleton
— Christian (@nopoweradeinusa) August 9, 2017
‘omg mckayla you’re famous”
– the top reply under every viral tweet
— Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) July 24, 2017
If football didn’t exist, this would be a way cooler tweet https://t.co/d0JZrCGFtQ
— Big Daddy (@Seanxsolo) August 7, 2017
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) July 16, 2017
— jjjjj (@xeropls) August 3, 2017
life comes at you fast pic.twitter.com/mvdv4xSFXj
— John Squires (@FreddyInSpace) August 3, 2017
! Chumbawamba 3:16 https://t.co/7MFMzyl095
— Church Curmudgeon (@ChrchCurmudgeon) August 9, 2017
The judge said I can’t do that anymore pic.twitter.com/PMRySB1otb
— Anthony Clark (@nedroid) August 5, 2017
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
— brent (@murrman5) August 7, 2017
