Photo: Nintendo 64
We know you spend your day punching the time clock, filling up the gas tank and drinking like a savage, but when you boil it down, what you’re really thinking about is an awkwardly-shaped Nintendo 64 controller between your legs. While there were plenty of N64 games to rock your world, we’re ranking the 10 best Nintendo 64 games worth dusting off your old controller nearly 20 years later.
From the barrel rolls of Donkey Kong 64 to the half pipe of 1080 Snowboarding to the best racing and shoot-’em-up games on the shelf, we’re throwing out the best N64 games like their green shells on Rainbow Road, just not giving a single fuck where they land.
Give this little slideshow a whirl, our ranking of the 10 best Nintendo 64 games that will have you searching for your dusty controllers, neglecting your lady and all earthly responsibilities, and, most likely, landing back on your parents’ couch with nothing but chip crumbs and no job to speak of. Until next time, keep your eyes peeled for double agents hiding in the vents above your bathroom stall. (You better have gotten that reference, dammit.)
The 10 Best Nintendo 64 Games
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10. NFL Blitz
In between (and several hours after) actual NFL games, you could plug into NFL Blitz for some high-scoring, ass-kicking and light tea-bagging action in one of the first decently appealing football games. Don't deny that you tried to abuse your friends' players in between plays.
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9. Diddy Kong Racing
It wasn't quite Mario Kart, but immediately after the release of it, the Donkey Kong world gave us a similarly awesome racing game in Diddy Kong. It just was mostly lacking in Princess and her tight ass.
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8. 1080 Snowboarding
For those us on flat land or stuck in sunny California, "1080" was our way of vicariously living extreme without breaking our legs back in the late '90s. It was the X-Games of our lives, at least until we went sledding in our backyard.
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7. Super Smash Bros.
Probably the best way to take out your aggression as a child (and still today) would be the super spinoff, Super Smash Bros. It was the only time in the '90s where it was acceptable to smack a bitch (sorry, Link).
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6. Donkey Kong 64
Endless hours were spent inside of barrel rolls and eating bananas, not unlike real life in the late '90s. Donkey Kong was a mild obsession, and by "mild," we mean intense.
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5. Star Fox 64
Personally, I never got too into Star Fox, but I would sit and watch my friends obsess over it for hours. When I would try to hop in when one of them got up to use the bathroom, they would growl like feral animals at me. Looked fun though!
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4. Super Mario 64
A graphically and energetically more upgrade from the Super NES Super Mario, 64 gave us a fresh look at a classic. If this came free with the system, it was all you really needed to be happy.
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3. The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time
Most people will rate this as the best N64 game out there. While we love a little Link, it wasn't our favorite but we definitely consider this one of the best incarnations of the Zelda legacy.
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2. Mario Kart 64
No game was more addictive or better to play when a wee bit stoned than some good old Mario Kart. We were hooked on it with Super NES, but this sealed the deal. Once, I drank mushroom tea and forgot about it until about halfway through Rainbow Road, where I lost my shit, both virtually and other-worldly.
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1. GoldenEye 007
While Pierce wasn't always our top pick for James Bond, GoldenEye (1995) was pretty epic and led to one of the greatest shoot-em-up games of the '90s. So many days in the Facility, so many nights in the Bunker, but nothing compared to squatting down and zooming in on Natalya's hot ass.
