Photo: thehundreds.com
Far be it for us to tell you how to live your life, but when it comes to these things, you simply cannot wear them and get away with it anymore. Of all the wars waged on religion and political differences, we’re surprised a full-on attack, or at least another hilarious ban in 2017, hasn’t been launched against those who still choose to exercise their right to JNCO jeans and Hammer pants.
There are plenty of things from the ’90s that should stay in the ’90s, along with the decades preceding it. Chances are that if it was a good idea then, it’s not a good idea now, no matter how clever it seemed at the time. In the slides ahead, you’ll start to see we’re just out for a good nostalgic laugh, but as the story goes deeper, you’ll start to feel those repressed childhood traumas begin to bubble again. We recommend you read this with a friend, as you laugh together, cry together and ultimately submerge your computer into the nearest body of water for sheer fear of having to see more.
Are these things you can wear and get away with now? Sure. But in the world filled with failed fashion trends and immigration bans, we think you might be pushing your luck with the sunglass straps.
10 Things You Simply Cannot Wear and Get Away With Anymore
Take note: The Definitive Roundup Of Douchebag Clothing
Trends You Can't Wear Now
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JNCO Jeans
Photo: via jenkemmmage.com
Amongst the biggest reasons why the '90s sucked, baggy jeans tends to take the cake. If you see someone wearing incredibly baggy jeans, say JNCOs, you immediately assume them a felon, or worse, a Trump supporter (zing). The only thing worse on a dude would be the polar opposite of JNCOs: the daisy dukes.
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Starter NBA Team Jacket
Photo: via totalprosports.com
We all had them, and we throw them over our school uniforms with a bit of grace after enough years wearing the same Starter jacket. But you wouldn't be caught dead in one now. I had the Orlando Magic one. Which did you have?
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Ed Hardy
Photo: via rakuten.com
Whoever said no publicity is bad publicity apparently never saw a pair of Ed Hardy jeans walk by. And those shirts, good lord, they were a cry for attention.
Related: If the Pants Fit: We Can Tell Where You Are Based on Your Pants Alone
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Plum Smugglers
Photo: Pinterest
Some people still get away with the nut huggers for organized activity, but I say if we can outlaw weed in some states, we should be able to do the same with plum smugglers.
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Hairdos of the '90s
Photo: via esquireme.com
The '90s were riddled with infamous hairstyles we could've done without, but it's when people start combining the bowl cut and mullet together when they know better trying to make it cool, that's when we have to put our foot down.
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Hammer Pants
Photo: via People
Seems like Hammer pants went out with MC, but it also seems like they're making a resurgence in the yoga community with dudes who don't want to endorse plum smugglers while they downward dog it.
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Sunglass Straps
Photo: Pinterest
Ah yes, the cloth wallet chain for your face. They were never acceptable, unless you were a 1980s dad who had nothing left to lose, so when we see them now, we just feel sorry for the poor bastard. Yeah, hang on to those Oakleys, you big asshole.
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FUBU
Photo: via thehundreds.com
Especially if you're in a boy band raised by white suburban parents, FUBU should be off limits. What was so great about them in the first place? Is it because of hip hop, or did people just really love Daymond John a lot?
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Zubaz Pants
Photo: via rsvlts.com
Unless you were Dan Marino, you had a hard time pulling off the Zubaz when they were in style, all three days.
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And Finally, These Bad Boys
Photo: via vintagedancer.com
Your heart just sank into your stomach, since you thought you'd never see the day where your deepest skeleton would resurface: the vintage dancing shoe you wore to school everyday (but not to dance in). It was the first time you ever felt the sensation of crossdressing, and you still haven't forgiven your parents for it.
