Photo: YouTube
Oh, where has the time flown? Remember when you were “missin’ out bro” if you hadn’t joined the Mile-High Club with a hot girl? Well, now you’re probably an idiot or an asshole if you do.
For those of you who don’t know, the Mile-High Club is the fraternal group of nymphomaniacs who never gather, except with one (two, if you’re completely nuts) prospective sex partner for a shoe box-sized session of mid-flight fornication. Back in the day, people would romanticize meeting a stranger (or pretending to be strangers) and then going to the bathroom for some light humping. But thanks to our overtly politically correct society, chronic dehydration (boner killers!), social media and the thunderous liabilities accrued by United Airlines, we’re finding that joining the Mile-High Club is no longer an easy task, or even a privilege, much these days.
Photo: sUs_angel (Getty)
Join us for an honest account of what is more likely to happen, should you open the Pandora’s Box of mile-high sex amongst the stars, since any box is bigger than those bathrooms. We promise at least two (count ’em, two!) Con Air references herein.
7 Simple Reasons Why Joining The Mile-High Club Is A Terrible Idea Now
And these are bound to happen: 11 Hilarious Incidents of Public Sex Gone Wrong
Mile High Club
-
If You Fly United, You'll Probably Be Dragged Off the Plane
Everyone knows United has had a number of botch jobs as of late, so they're probably at their to-hell-with-this point. If you think you're going to get laid on a plane and not get served, you'd be harshly mistaken.
-
And Of Course Become a Trending Topic
You thought Steve Harvey was embarrassed saying the wrong name last year? Just imagine walking out of the bathroom after the stewardess -- sorry, flight attendant -- demands you return to your seat, the both of you. Thanks to Snapchat and every other app on everyone's phones, you'll be hotter than global warming VS. Trump.
-
That Is, If Dehydration Doesn't Kill You First
It's hard enough to stay hydrated on a plane, as the body loses a generous percentage of its fluids as the aircraft ascends. That, and you avoid drinking water so you don't have to crawl over people to go to the bathroom. How the hell are you supposed to maintain an erection without your fluids? You got to have your fluids!
-
And Foot Cramps Don't Cripple Your Best Moves
Those bathrooms are too small for one person to take a piss. So how the hell are two people supposed to stand and fornicate in one of these mid-air igloos? Especially since foot cramps are a common symptom of dehydration (and being old as hell). Let us not forget the turbulence that comes when the pilot decides to flip to auto-pilot and fly like an asshole. If two people can complete this task, we think they deserve the Nobel Prize.
-
Red Eye Passengers Will Murder You
Photo: via Pinterest
People on red-eye flights can hardly handle other people with their phones on while they're trying to get some sleep amongst a few hundred strangers. How do you think they'll react to two horny kids thrusting their love engines against a paper-thin wall? You'd be lucky to not get Dave Chappelle'ed off the plane like he did in Con Air.
-
The Odds Of You Not Getting Arrested...
Photo: via furrynuff.wordpress.com
...are about as good as you getting all your luggage. Sadly, we live in a time where sex in public is likely prosecutable to the nine-hundredth degree, so if you think you're going to take your pants off, dirty someone in a public restroom amidst a plane-full of strangers and walk off without a hitch, you're sadly mistaken. Seriously though, the odds are better of that happening than you getting your luggage.
-
In the End...
...it'll probably be more awkward than Nic Cage in Con Air, you know, that one time we were almost tricked into thinking he was good actor. That's our second Con Air reference, which is how we know it's time to quit.
