Photo: Twitter
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 4-21-17
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
sorry i keep getting drunk and yelling at strangers that the only two genders are fast and furious
— helena cell (@pilotbacon) April 13, 2017
her: wyd
me: nothin just relaxing at home
her: send a pic
me: pic.twitter.com/hrXGsYQ6w4— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) April 14, 2017
as i open the door to warn my 16 y.o. self about 2017, i suddenly recall a childhood memory of my doppelgänger walking in on me masturbating
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 18, 2017
Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat
— scawn.. beautiful (@scawn_) April 20, 2017
Get Out (2017)
(dir. Jordan Peele) pic.twitter.com/xRGKOxpJDg— Simpsons Films (@simpsonsfilms) March 18, 2017
My 11 yo daughter just committed me to the burn ward pic.twitter.com/yLHYNNvz6M
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 12, 2017
7
North Korea reminds me of my ex https://t.co/n8RrLFPpRh
— Lauren Sivan (@LaurenSivan) April 15, 2017
turns out the insane asylum for children called “Shadow Mountain” isn’t the paradise you thought it was pic.twitter.com/yEUcoOVRAO
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) April 11, 2017
we’ll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]
— brent (@murrman5) April 20, 2017
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 13, 2017
When people ask if I have kids, I find it’s easiest to just say “I don’t know.”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 15, 2015
Death penalty pic.twitter.com/c5crFubTeb
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) April 12, 2017
*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.— Baby Bionic Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) April 15, 2016
what the fuck is going on with this hand https://t.co/CU8o38IVnD
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) April 12, 2017
Me: u like that u dirty girl
Wife: yeah baby
M: you filthy slut
W: oh yes
M: you ruiner of dreams
W: what
M: u destroyer of ambition
W: wait— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 9, 2017
I have the body of a 25 year old couch.
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) October 8, 2015
I’m rubber and you’re glue. She’s tape. He’s a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 12, 2017
the correct way to pronounce “pantomime” is “panto” because the mime is silent
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) December 9, 2016
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 20, 2015
