Photo: Voyagerix (Getty)
We’ve been apprised of the basic types of vaginas we come face to face with in our lives, but there are plenty of subcategories to the female anatomy. Like any baker knows, no two pies are ever exactly the same. In discussing (and pointlessly ranking) the different kinds of female flowers you may pick in your lifetime, we can better understand what we’re dealing with and hopefully better please our ladies. Now read on and expect plenty of botany references.
While we like to think that these sex and dating tips will focus and further your future coital interactions, the truth is we just like talking about vaginas and joking in order to deflect from our intimacy issues. Plainly put, ladies: It’s not always easy licking our way to the center of your Tootsie Pop. But that doesn’t mean we won’t try!
Luckily for some men, research shows most women climax more from clitoral stimulation than penetration. But just as precaution, take a safety stroll down our boulevard of lady parts ranked from easiest to handle to most difficult to navigate. When all is said and done, what it boils down to is that we’re lucky to have access at all and will take anything.
Going Deep With a Ranking of the Different Kinds of Vaginas We Are Faced With
On a related note: These ’90s Girls Were the First Ones You Ever Thought of Banging, Aren’t They?
Kindsa Vaginas
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"Barbie Doll"
Photo: via gabworthy.com
We should be so lucky to meet this seemingly untouched, immaculate flower, let alone get to touch it. While the absence of hair can throw some men for a loop, the near-perfect, easy-to-navigate setup of the Barbie doll vagina is so smooth and apparently clean, you may very well eat all of your meals here. If it routinely smells of wild orange and jasmine blossoms, then why the hell not?
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"Leaky Faucet"
Maybe Tom Hanks doesn't illustrate it quite perfectly, but the beauty of the consistently wet is the ease of maneuvering in and out, despite what the front door may look like. There's nothing quite as nice as vagina that is perpetually ready to go at any moment's notice, whether it be a funeral or backyard barbecue, so long as it smells alright.
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"Puffy (Not Crunchy)"
Photo: via Daily Mail
The "puff" is not necessarily synonymous with body type, though it resembles the Barbie doll in most aspects, aside from its swollen cheeks, like if Barbie got her wisdom teeth pulled. We have no qualms with puffy, as it is more noticeable than a Barbie doll when it comes to tight shorts [cue angelic hymns]. And if you didn't get it, "not crunchy" is a Cheetos joke. Is this too much for you? Because it's about to get weirder.
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"Two-Lip (Tulip)"
Photo: via Buzzfeed
To say her vagina is like a delicate flower is no understatement, especially in the case of the tulip, a beautiful intricacy that takes a moment to find its way to the ovary, or the stigma (we're talking actual flowers), depending on what you're after. When it comes to pleasuring a girl, finding your way in is about 80 percent of the trouble, and the tulip is the beginning of the more complex mazes of intimacy.
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"Horseshoe"
Photo: via theberry.com
Things start to get tricky when you aren't sure what you're touching. For the first time in what you thought was a second-nature job, you suddenly need to take a closer look to be sure it is, in fact, her vagina and not some kind of weird purgatory of her perineum. You think about googling or texting a friend under the covers but instead go in boldly and eventually find the light after a few misfires.
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"Curtain Call"
Photo: via theberry.com
It's like watching Tom Hanks unscramble some foreign coding of hieroglyphics and cave scratchings like an unseen language out of a Dan Brown mystery thriller. You're not quite sure it's actually her vagina or a prank as you scroll through waves of skin, failing to find the rabbit hole. You wonder if you should warn her but instead you sweat it out. After three minutes, the clouds and draperies part, as a feeling as though you've drilled to the center of the Earth comes over you. Then she kindly explains to you that she's not interested in anal.
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"Dry Guy"
Photo: via someecards.com
When it comes to the lady parts, it doesn't matter what the setup is if it's drier than the Mohave in there. Odds are it's your fault. May we recommend some candles and pillow talk?
