Photo: Twitter
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 4-14-17
: why did the tomato blush
: why
: because he saw the salad dressing
: lol
girl with septum piercing: honestly it didn’t even hurt lol— gabriel droptop (@Chainbody) April 6, 2017
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 27, 2017
This photo is not great at a glance pic.twitter.com/HCG2Wrd9Gh
— Anal Hershiser (@StuntBirdArmy) April 7, 2017
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 9, 2017
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 9, 2017
Why isn’t Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries called Berried Treasure, do I have to think of everything
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 4, 2017
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) May 9, 2015
A man that turns into a werewolf only during Toyotathon
— Cloaca Flocka (@LorenzoMeow) May 2, 2013
Are You There God? It’s Me, Your Cousin, Marvin God
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 9, 2017
HONKING ISN’T GOING TO SEND THIS TWEET ANY FASTER, ASSHOLE!!
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 22, 2017
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 4, 2017
I don’t care if he’s sad you are not allowed to watch him pee pic.twitter.com/fBIwSkL7vI
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) April 2, 2017
Et si en fait c’était ses pantoufles, à #Kirby… pic.twitter.com/CLz24x8n7i
— Marie Blue (@MarieBlue05) March 17, 2017
I had subway tiles installed in my bathroom so it doesn’t seem as weird when I’m eating a sandwich in there
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 5, 2017
The difference between eating McDonald’s from the dumpster and McDonald’s from the restaurant is $1.99.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) March 25, 2017
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) July 12, 2016
“why’d you leave med school?”
[me debating lying or telling them I thought a guy with a bone sticking out his arm got stabbed with a bone]— brent (@murrman5) April 7, 2017
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) February 11, 2017
Ma’am please stop calling 911 pic.twitter.com/KBbx2c2QlS
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) August 6, 2016
good news everyone the search is over pic.twitter.com/pb9sMe1S91
— anna borges (@annabroges) April 7, 2017
