Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Josh (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 2-17-17
Bill’s fashion = Steven Seagal in the 80’s.
Hillary’s fashion = Steven Seagal right now. pic.twitter.com/trUgpPbfUR— John Gholson (@gholson) February 11, 2017
[at the atm]
She was a cash machine
She was a profit scheme
She was the best bank robot that I’ve ever seen— Mark Hoppus (@markhoppus) February 12, 2017
when it starts casual but you catch feelings https://t.co/SoOxDS5QQO
— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) February 9, 2017
ohhhhhh that’s how pic.twitter.com/C0OVNQVEbp
— Kel (@ohheyohhihello) February 9, 2017
It’s snowing in NYC, which means it’s time once again for the best picture pic.twitter.com/rARv1osNii
— Mike Barthel (@michaelbarthel) February 9, 2017
ME: I mean yeah, sorta, but how often do you even find a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: Ohhh…definitely not— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) January 5, 2017
“I resent the implication that this administration is shamelessly plugging Ivanka Trump’s clothing line.” pic.twitter.com/5IxEq0qz8e
— Grover (@XGroverX) February 9, 2017
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
— Gia (@GashleyMadison) February 5, 2017
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Please provide evidence that people voted illegally
STEPHEN MILLER: They go to another school, you wouldn’t know them— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 12, 2017
[restaurant]
son: Can I have my toy back?
wife: Not right now, it’s keeping him quiet
me *playing with his dinosaur*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 28, 2017
Life comes at you fast. pic.twitter.com/6qGM6b2u7p
— Scott Rising (@rising) February 8, 2017
wow. it’s that easy, folks. pic.twitter.com/CFSnMW3ZCr
— live jasmin cowards (@boring_as_heck) February 13, 2017
“SEE YOU IN COURT” is what the rich white villain in a dance crew movie yells after he loses a rec room turf battle to a bunch of teens.
— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) February 9, 2017
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 6, 2017
Wow, Riverdale’s a lot different than I expected! pic.twitter.com/ztvdig3leC
— Shelby Young (@shelby_young) February 12, 2017
Why does Melania Trump look like Nicolas Cage with PS1 graphics? pic.twitter.com/R7g372pszj
— Derrière Connoisseur (@BardockObama) February 9, 2017
Retweet to support goth crab pic.twitter.com/6MNaTf8WbG
— a cold giraffe (@AnAnimeGiraffe) February 10, 2017
Me to my kid: Can you explain this low grade in math?
My kid: If you’ll refer to Items 1-4 on my list… pic.twitter.com/B5gh5U1Nl5— She’sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) January 25, 2017
People don’t even have healthcare anymore yall cant be doing this https://t.co/f8OgKpBWGT
— reezy (@reezy_season) February 8, 2017
Squirrels were created in 1438 when a rat was struck by lightning while doing cocaine.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) November 11, 2016
