Photo: Juan Monino (Getty)
Another ball has dropped on the proverbial scrotum of your life, and now it’s officially time we make the usual promises we all know we won’t keep. More interesting than the fact that nobody cares what you do with your life, improving or further declining into the abyss, is the idea that you impose these self-inflicted burdens on yourself knowing nobody give fewer fucks. Here’s our favorite New Years resolutions for 2017, the old habits you’ll try to break but will be back to by week’s end. Chin up, guys. There’s always next year.
Dancing Like Nobody’s Watching
Alright, dance like somebody is watching. While it may be good to be free, you’re not coordinated enough to just let it fly. Let this be a lesson in making decisions that benefit you more directly this year and help you enjoy life. But for Christ’s sake, no full-body dry heaves. Oh, and watch more Seinfeld, if you know what’s good for you.
Dating Sloppy Tinder Trolls
There are enough shitty things happening in this world; you don’t need to add “Worst Date Ever” to the list. While loneliness in the coming year may seem like a rough way to start off 2017, we can promise you that waking up next to someone texting another person about how badly they want to bang is much worse. Let people in this year, but only the good ones, and you can leave the trolls to start a cult under some nearby bridge where they watch Fox News and concoct evil plans.
Abbreviating Words and Phrases That Are Already Short
Word were invented a certain way for a reason, dammit, so stop killing the English language with one abbreviated word after another, topped off with emojis and moving pictures. If you put another emoji on top of my texts again, I swear to everything holy I’m getting a landline with excellent caller ID. If you meet someone this year who texts at the dinner table, watched TV in bed and uses acronyms for short phrases like “Where are you,” get out now.
Peeing on the Toilet Seat
You know who you are, and you better quit with the crusty yellow urine drops. People sit there every single day. There’s no point in saying how disgusting and lazy this makes someone look. Just imagine, each time you go to sit down, somebody running up and peeing underneath you right before your ass hits the seat. Then come talk to us about gross.
Crapping in Public Restrooms
Some are more public than others, but let’s not forget the things that go on in those public places that doesn’t involve crap. Actually, they might. While it’s good to be comfortable enough to shat whenever and wherever, that seems like a likely place of ISIS to herd their next attack. You don’t want ISIS getting you in a public restroom.
Sampling Your Own Foulness
Everyone is strangely attracted to their own foul odors, some of the grossest things in existence. You enjoy your own farts? Good for you. Let this be the year you won’t taste your own boogers, give someone the stink finger or, heaven forbid, sample your own bodily fluids for the first time.
Smoking like a Chimney (vaping like a douche)
You’ll never be as cool as Leo so stop trying. He’s the only person we’ve ever seen vape in public and not look like a total douche, but he’s still walking on thin ice. He probably went to the Oscars thinking, “What is the douchiest thing I can do tonight that will somehow magically look badass by the end of it?” Stop your vaping. You’re not Leo, no matter how many girls you dangle off the front of a cruise ship.
Crying Over Reality TV
We’ll never understand how someone can get attached to the ordinary lives of strangers. It’s all scripted, poorly, we might add. Instead of watching some sad lady getting dumped on national TV because her tots were too tiny or she wouldn’t blow him in the bathtub, maybe take a few moments to work on your own life. You’ll probably get a good cry in anyway, but at least you’ll be making progress. Then you can blog about it and make other people cry. That’s a real reality show of its own.
Taking Pictures of Your Food
We all know what food looks like, you know, it has been around for awhile now. No need in reminding us what nachos look like. You make a cake? Great, now shove your face in it until it’s hard to breathe. Just kidding! Or are we? Seriously though, see if you can bake a cake and resist the urge to show the world. May the forces of the world be with you and your incredible ego.
Taking Pictures of Yourself
The only acceptable selfie is the trolling selfie (or the selfie gone wrong). Bless all those dads who take the time to point out the absurdity of their soul-sucking selfie-taking spawn. Now check out those “Sexy Selfies Gone Wrong” as we remember the great Gary Dudak and all his Mandatory accomplishments over the past five years.
Getting Inspired by Blogs Then Doing the Exact Opposite
You know, there is such a thing as too much inspiration. Redecorating the house, learning to build a birdhouse, how to grow your own weed, Pinterest this and Etsy that, nonstop do-it-yourself until you pass out and forget everything you just saw. Maybe take a little at a time and start there. Quit downloading eons of information onto your tiny chimp brain. We haven’t reached the next stage of evolution yet where our brains are the size of watermelons to retain all the crap we put in it.
Binge-Watching Reruns
It’s cold outside so you declare this The Winter of You, but then you start with the reruns of shows you’ve already watched in its seven-season entirety. Add that to the list of new shows you have to keep up with and the black hole that is Internet porn, and suddenly it’s time for bed again. May this be The Year of You, but perhaps ease off the remote if you’re changing the batteries twice a month.
Staying In When You Should Be Out
You enjoy a little time inside to stay warm, and now it’s summertime. Where did half the year go? While The Summer of George may seem like a smart three-month stint, don’t wait for the sun to come out to enjoy some fresh air. That’s why God made coffee.
Staying Out Until Dawn
It’s good to enjoy your life, but keeping a routine and sleep schedule is paramount to productivity. You can be L-I-V-I-N on Friday and Saturday night, if you need to, but make an honest effort to be the most efficient version of yourself this year. Then treat yourself to some Aerosmith tickets, top priority of the summer.
Telling People About Your Resolutions
Quit broadcasting your plans and bragging up your new projects this year. Don’t get people excited about your potential only to fail and disappoint them when you get distracted by pretty, shiny things. Do your work, improve your individual self and let people take notice on their own. There’s nothing worse than telling someone a joke, then explaining it to them, just in case they didn’t get it.
