Photo: Spencer Platt (Getty) / Pixelated Boat (Twitter)
Well, 2016 was a big pile of trash, but if anything brings you the tiniest bit of solace, take comfort in knowing that there were plenty of funny tweets to distract us from our inevitable deaths! By no means are these the only funny tweets, and honestly there are probably some funnier ones out there, but unfortunately we didn’t have time to read every Tweet for the past 365 days. Nonetheless, buckle up and get ready for some of the best jokes of the year!
The Funniest Tweets of the Year 2016
“HHhuELLo my name ius Babadook Canterbury, please cast me in-”
[LOOKING AT GIANT HAND]
“”Human Movies”” pic.twitter.com/JhMwA2DuEg— maynard gains keenan (@donniemnemonic) November 7, 2016
A woman on the subway printed out 15 pages of Facebook posts and is just reading the comments pic.twitter.com/JEbnzM9ftR
— Alex Steinman (@AlexSteinman) July 6, 2016
yall dont think i read replies to my tweets huh? in my mentions like “choke me daddy”. is that funny to you beth pic.twitter.com/Y0MzGsjRi5
— jake (@callmeshitto) September 14, 2016
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 22, 2016
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head
— Benton C. Olson (@Bentono10) September 14, 2016
imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left ten minutes into it. dick move, right? my point is old people shouldn’t get to vote
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) March 23, 2016
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 19, 2016
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend’s house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw
— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016
Ok but why do I look like the fucking ride pic.twitter.com/lhbwNPpn6F
— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) October 3, 2016
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 14, 2016
It says there’s 140 calories per can of Coke but here’s my secret: I never eat the can
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 14, 2016
The worst thing about being an adult & not a kid is that no one stands behind you when you’re being an asshole mouthing “she’s just hungry.”
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 16, 2016
If you’re his dealer @ me pic.twitter.com/wyUEYFpunt
— Framez (@FrameGangCo) November 21, 2016
Cooking spinach pic.twitter.com/FqLdJrXQFM
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) March 31, 2016
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2016
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
— McC (@MattMcC1) November 25, 2016
I’ve seen Bruce Wayne’s parents die in a movie more times than I’ve seen my parents kiss.
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) March 29, 2016
girls call me Zubat cause it’s impossible to tell how distant I am and I’m not really worth the effort anyway
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) July 26, 2016
me: wow this sandwich is great
person who studied abroad in Europe 30 years ago: not as great as the one i had in Barthelona ….
— manu (@guavavenezolana) October 17, 2016
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.— Agent Ray-ty Six (@SirEviscerate) May 15, 2016
When u r drunk and Landslide comes on pic.twitter.com/63FB4IZZug
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 20, 2016
.@dracula please delete. ur a count
— andy levy (@andylevy) June 2, 2016
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 17, 2016
Life hack: if a ghost is haunting your house start dating them and then be super needy now the ghost is gone like everyone else I ever loved
— tater tot bros (@thetits) January 5, 2016
okay mom you can’t be serious pic.twitter.com/ZFnQE4fOuj
— danta claus (@DANlEL7) November 20, 2016
My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
— opeimu (@iamopeimu) October 10, 2016
still thinking about Henry’s brutal post-mortem burn on his wife pic.twitter.com/XhikAJngKL
— Duncan Fyfe (@DuncanFyfe) October 26, 2016
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 13, 2016
When your pharmacist actually wants you to die. pic.twitter.com/Sh5uMNrxZp
— DocHoHoHo-ckenbush (@DocHackenbush) September 6, 2016
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
anxiety got me approaching relationships like pic.twitter.com/DOXG9qB8us
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 12, 2016
YALL I LOOKED THROUGH THE REFLECTION OF MY GLASS SLIDING DOOR AND I THOUGHT MY DOG WAS CHILLIN ON FIRE BUT IT WAS JUST THE FIRE PIT OUTSIDE pic.twitter.com/ekWDhCLV7e
— marisa (@mcampsss) November 15, 2016
2002 was weird
kelly rowland texted her boyfriend via microsoft excel and got mad because he didn’t text back. pic.twitter.com/hIhEFMGTef— DADDY AF (@dubvercetti) September 17, 2016
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2016
“Yeah Ima listen to your soundcloud bro I got you.” pic.twitter.com/xRthLZnJef
— glory (@ifeelglorious) July 22, 2016
fucking roasted pic.twitter.com/mj6CS0mDz0
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) October 30, 2016
dudes make fun of girls for liking pumpkin spice, uggs and the kardashians as if craft beer, cargo shorts and fantasy football are real cool
— ktkins (@voldemortsbicep) August 25, 2016
When you screenshot then send it back to the same person pic.twitter.com/cPyt0ZY18m
— Hugo (@HugoRivera___) October 3, 2016
— Thiss’Kidd’Christmas (@bloodhaiI) July 12, 2016
this is my 1st time babysitting & idk where i went wrong but my niece is currently asleep on her head
do i call the parents or the exorcist pic.twitter.com/bGaTCFSiCz
— Mikaela Long (@MikaelaLong) October 9, 2016
I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 3, 2016
What’s your favorite Cure song? here’s mine, no question! pic.twitter.com/yg7QQ8CSPT
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) June 16, 2016
when you realize the statue of mona lisa looks like keith urban pic.twitter.com/Fh1iDxBvBf
— alani (@aussiebands) October 30, 2016
Kids your mother and I are getting a puppy. Whoops I mean divorce. There was a puppy on the TV so I accidentally said puppy sorry about that
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) October 10, 2015
The Young Han Solo Chronicles, scene 1. A young vestless boy (HAN SOLO) enters the space bazaar.
SPACE VEST VENDOR: Get your space vests!— vineyille (@vineyille) January 12, 2016
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.— Ben Rector (@benrector) June 12, 2016
life arrived extremely quickly pic.twitter.com/3vuEbu0pbU
— (@theshrillest) May 27, 2016
old ladies are insanely metal just say hi to any one of them for a 20min list of people that recently died
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 19, 2016
“Congrats” is my favorite because it says “I’m happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let’s not get crazy”
— Jessnickerdoodle (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016
This looks like Wes Andersons new movie pic.twitter.com/aVFf5zvlbE
— Zack Pearlman (@ZackPearlman) August 10, 2016
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 31, 2016
this sign is an emotional roller coaster pic.twitter.com/lxCxYe3fAj
— lil jolly lovitz (@nbadag) September 11, 2016
I ain’t NEVER seen no shit like this in my damn near 29 years on this Earth pic.twitter.com/3KJ82cOwLB
— нarry вelaғcĸdyoвтcн (@HitDaBoogiez) October 9, 2016
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special. pic.twitter.com/Tz6Tt6l4jn
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) June 30, 2016
A story told in four pics pic.twitter.com/IwG1RcJ9Wt
— connor (@ConIsles) November 12, 2016
democracy is this cool system where you yell at people online for 6 months and then people in Ohio and Florida pick the president
— Albro (@bromanconsul) June 14, 2016
Donald Trump has just appointed the bees from My Girl as Secretary of State
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 15, 2016
The 6 year-old son of a colleague has just drawn this. He has offered no explanation for it. pic.twitter.com/VZaEqFEMot
— Richard Osman (@richardosman) July 15, 2016
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 27, 2016
At this very moment, all the Sesame Street characters are extremely still and lifeless with their eyes wide open
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 11, 2016
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real pic.twitter.com/W4x1Gi23Xe
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) May 3, 2016
i bought someone else an uber but i can control their music the entire ride pic.twitter.com/eJijeowone
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) October 9, 2016
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo pic.twitter.com/oUvLqyJgZQ
— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) August 9, 2016
omg deleteee I look so fat do not submit that to national geographic I swear to god randy pic.twitter.com/pWfQJ4wPxw
— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) October 27, 2016
ENOUGH teasing Melania, she may not be a “traditional” first lady but she still eats jewelry just like you and I pic.twitter.com/B49q7pXsyW
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) July 19, 2016
“The iPhone doesn’t have a headphone jack but the Galaxy literally explodes” is a perfect metaphor for this election.
— Josh Marvine (@JoshMarvine) September 13, 2016
one time ESPN had Air Bud on to do commentary on a basketball game and it was insane pic.twitter.com/bsDd9YPT1q
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) May 3, 2016
Her: “Come thru”
Me:”Bitch a hurricane about to hit ”
Her: “my parents already evacuated, im home alone” pic.twitter.com/T4Wer6nnnD— ᴘʀᴏᴍᴘᴛᴏ (@JamalMeMaybee) October 7, 2016
MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 20, 2016
i’m so down to earth i’m basically in hell
— miel (@miel) November 4, 2016
If your boyfriend isn’t treating you right, let that. pic.twitter.com/xU1OhDHpNZ
— Sad Dad (@YoungAdolf_) June 26, 2016
I’m literally crying pic.twitter.com/5IWd14bzKA
— Jenny Pancakes (@SteampunkMuppet) April 24, 2016
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 25, 2016
this is the best screensaver cos whenever i get a notification, Kanye holds it up for me pic.twitter.com/W3bpDt82MA
— mb (@michaellbutlerr) September 29, 2016
be careful who you call ugly in middle school pic.twitter.com/cbxfawViBx
— oxygenplug (@oxygenplug) April 22, 2016
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016
respect to my dude that works so hard, he comes home with his hands looking like this so hers can look like this pic.twitter.com/2bYGpcuS21
— Lazy dog (@LaziestCanine) September 4, 2016
Coming this Fall- he’s the beloved little league coach. And he wants to build a mall on top of the baseball diamond. pic.twitter.com/7OQC7t2mEB
— Nasty Rachel (@TheRachelFisher) July 28, 2016
I ask for booty pics and I get a booth pic puzzle are you serious… pic.twitter.com/sE2tbJJXi3
— Ego (@MrTreLee) October 21, 2016
Anthony Weiner is the character in a zombie movie who doesn’t admit that he’s been bitten & then gets everyone killed
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 28, 2016
I’ve carried chalk in my car for 10 months JUST so i could do this once. Yesterday was the day pic.twitter.com/74A5VNIXJN
— Dunks (@adunkel2016) September 29, 2016
RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign pic.twitter.com/XzNGLtSsyD
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 8, 2016
you can’t believe it’s not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter
— local badboy-elect (@hippieswordfish) June 5, 2016
— W E T S O C K (@SockWet) May 16, 2016
My mom left me in charge of the cake for my graduation party pic.twitter.com/p4ui3YkDgm
— Megan McGurr (@meganmcgurr) May 29, 2016
WHAT KINDA WEEDMAN IS THIS LMFAOOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/18ybSUQQxk
— BABY G (@deryxok) September 20, 2016
2016 is working out for everyone pic.twitter.com/jzfxrtpNSx
— Drew Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) March 24, 2016
Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he’s destroying you in a rap battle pic.twitter.com/sk8MvLcTzk
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) October 20, 2016
*listens to Mr. Brightside once* pic.twitter.com/4gNSitoIoJ
— Josh Woosley (@Joshwoos) November 30, 2016
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
— denise navidad (@Stellacopter) September 19, 2016
Dating someone new is all about slowly unraveling the mystery of why everyone else they dated before eventually left them.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) April 20, 2016
Hate this girl. She even emailed me. pic.twitter.com/SsPgsNECMi
— Jigga (@Braddo_1) October 20, 2016
Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine pic.twitter.com/4Drv2pC085
— Truck Boy (@lewisheywood) October 18, 2016
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds pic.twitter.com/U3CX3Gcb0V
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 10, 2016
A simple way to help you remember how to spell “honey” pic.twitter.com/y3COkiJLAK
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) July 17, 2016
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said “I love you Stevie” at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
— brian essbe (@SortaBad) April 26, 2016
[inside his head]
alien 1: what are you doing? smile protocol!!
alien 2 (fumbling with the controls): I’m trying pic.twitter.com/O0wasK2mUy— Hippo (@InternetHippo) April 27, 2016
Jerry just tryna watch Russ work and his life crumbles to pieces on the TL pic.twitter.com/YH3jyyvgeC
— #RIPSnottie (@JHolasHoops) May 25, 2016
The best part of Kevin Hart’s wedding pic is him standing 10 feet in the foreground to be as tall as his wife. pic.twitter.com/EPAp3dtmms
— Travon Free (@Travon) August 14, 2016
What if Odell Beckham had engaged Lena Dunham in conversation? pic.twitter.com/XkuYc9jK8b
— A Longzo Davecember (@davelozo) September 2, 2016
