Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets compiled for your viewing pleasure. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 12-16-16
Zoom in and watch the magic happen pic.twitter.com/V1kdWd2Zp2
— Mexican (@Sergi0Armando) December 10, 2016
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) April 14, 2016
Now how the hell are Starbucks cups in the news again and no one’s talking about a guy spreading his cheeks open on McDonald’s cups pic.twitter.com/QmIuZiDJst
— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) December 11, 2016
NINETEEN texts (and counting?) from my mom about a coat she wants from TJ Maxx. Have a great Monday, everybody.
— Sal Vulcano (@SalVulcano) December 12, 2016
if the grinchs’ heart grew three sizes that day imagine what that dick do
— sydney (@sydneyrachel) December 10, 2016
If a pay $10 for a house party I’m using y’all washer/dryer machine, bedroom, and I’m spending the night
— 1K Lil Nekko (@Nekkohbk) December 10, 2016
My mother is out here lying on Facebook. My nephew speaks in Power Ranger quotes, he ain’t say none of this. pic.twitter.com/PqErHaI25n
— Hack (@BallsofGlory) December 10, 2016
America sure is having some bad luck. It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) December 10, 2016
Want to feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Lorena Bobbitt was 23 when she cut off her husband’s dick.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) December 8, 2016
My dad is in Peru having a melt down over alpacas. pic.twitter.com/d7JkPM1tWs
— Alexandria Neonakis (@Beavs) December 6, 2016
grammatically speaking, this is actually an invitation https://t.co/cSUdn824mw
— dee breezy (@xxdbreezyxx) December 6, 2016
I’m supposed to love my neighbor the way I love myself, so now I compulsively overfeed her and lie awake at night fearing she’s worthless
— REW (@therealeatwood) January 16, 2016
“Where’d you meet him?”
“On the Internet. I fell in love with him because of the delicate care he used to explain my joke back to me.”— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 15, 2016
is it money? i bet it’s money pic.twitter.com/j5vTc5Losc
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 7, 2016
“no offense” –italian guy explaining why his dog escaped
— double fro 7 (@fro_vo) December 11, 2016
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 5, 2016
I wonder how many dudes got curved in the 1700’s and just called her a witch just to get her burned at the stake
— Broke Homie Cliff (@CliffBreazzy) August 29, 2016
*baby whispers* “stay in school y’all, my dad 28 doing algebra. nigga struggling LMAOOOO” pic.twitter.com/KtqQctPZwU
— eggnog szn (@somecrazyness) September 5, 2016
[passionate kissing]
It’s already inside you
“Huh?”
*sensually whispers*
If you’ve had Chicken Pox the Shingles virus is already inside you— Jennathan (@Jennuflect) March 3, 2015
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) December 6, 2016
