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It’s bad enough we have to go Christmas shopping, we don’t need all the Christmas songs that need to go hell playing while we do it, too. Whether it’s a classic that’s been covered (and ruined in the process) or something Pentatonix crapped out (they are lucky they aren’t in this article), there are plenty of Christmas songs that can go straight to hell right this instant. And we’re feeling festive enough to share these little lumps of musical coal with you now. It’s another Christmas miracle!
“Jingle Bells” by Michael Bublé
It will never be a Michael Bublé Christmas in my house. The Puppini Sisters joined the pop star in what can only be described as a Christmas nightmare. This would never go over at any Festivus celebration.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Dr. Elmo
This song may “pay the rent,” but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. While we enjoy a good recurring classic to set the mood, this one may have had its fair share of spins. My grandma would appreciate it.
“The Christmas Song” by Alvin & The Chipmunks
This song needs no explanation. There’s nothing quite like taking a favorite childhood memory and shitting on it with CGI while wrecking a holiday classic. We thought you were better than this, Jason Lee. Then again, you’re probably diving into your coin pit and laughing at us every morning. OK, now we’re mixing cartoon references.
“Santa Baby” by Madonna
She may be hot in her 60s, but that’s no excuse to create an annoying cover of a ‘50s Eartha Kitt classic. While the ‘80s produced a lot of great things, this is not one of them.
“Feliz Navidad” by José Feliciano
Talk about infectious songs that get stuck in your head. When we picture José playing live, we just imagine him playing this song 12 times in a row. The only breaks he would take would be to wipe the thrown tomatoes off his face. But they never come.
“Twelve Days of Christmas” by John Denver
While we love a good “Muppets” movie, this song is really only good if there’s video. Otherwise, it just sounds like a bunch of weird voices from 1979 singing out of tune in perfect harmony.
“Little Drummer Boy” by William Hung
We understand the appeal for some people to have this man in their lives, but this song is from 2004 and should have gone away a long time ago. Bless your heart, William, but we can’t have you waterboarding any more of our holiday favorites.
“All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey
It’s been more than than 20 years and we still can’t get rid of her. A must-have Christmas carol for some is the relentless plague of jingles to others. While this song does the trick to get people feeling festive, it’s really just the recurring feeling of wanting to strangle your relatives and burn the Christmas tree down, just to end it all.
“Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” by Fall Out Boy
Pretty much anything created by Fall Out Boy can go straight to hell, their Ghostbusters theme song mostly, but this 2003 ditty is right up there with Christmas songs that could use the delete button. When will they realize nobody with good hearing likes them and they’re only ruining everything they touch? Never? Great. Keep the crap flowing.
“Must Be Santa” by Bob Dylan
This 2009 shit hit is a pleasant reminder that another famed songwriter is past his prime. While we appreciate the upbeat energy and long hair of a withering musician, we think Bob Dylan should stick to singing his own classics, the ones whose words we can no longer make out after all that chain-smoking caught up with his age.
