Photo: Philipp Nemenz (Getty).
Christmas is a wonderful time of year, and it’s right around the corner. Of course, you know what comes along with the holiday season: gift giving. If you’re like most people, you haven’t done any shopping yet. And that’s OK. Luckily, we have curated a handy list of great gifts for those cretins in your life whom you’d probably rather not give gifts to at all, yet know you should (or else risk them getting all butthurt about it). Instead, insult them with your choice in presents instead. After all, can someone really get mad at you for giving them something? We’re hoping so, otherwise this carefully crafted list has failed big time.
If you’re lucky, no one will ever ask you to give them a Christmas gift again. On the flipside, if your friends are such a-holes that they somehow love what you gave them, then you might actually be obligated to one up yourself each year. In which case, see you next time.
Don’t worry, last year’s batch is still just as topical, if not more: A Big List Of Christmas Gifts For Your A-Hole Friends
A Big List Of Christmas Gifts For Your A-Hole Friends
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Ben & Jerry's Euphori-Lock Ice Cream Protector
Price: $23
Say you have a friend who lives and dies by his B&J. He doesn't like to share. In other words, he's a selfish asshole. The Ben & Jerry's Euphori-Lock requires a three-digit passcode. In a press release, Ben & Jerry's merchandizer Katie O'Brien said, "This delightfully tongue-in-cheek concept actually came from one of our customers, who suggested we start selling our ice cream in stainless steel containers with little padlocks on them."
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Jolliest Bunch of Assholes Sweater
Price: $35
Investing in an ugly sweater during the holidays is mandatory. Why not pay homage to the Griswolds? Odds are you, too, will be dealing with a deeply dysfunctional family this Christmas. So break the ice.
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Ted Nugent for President Shirt
Price: $20
We all have that friend who likes nothing more than triggering the sensibilities of others. What better way to do that than wearing this shirt in public? You might get your ass kicked, so pack heat. Luckily, Cabela's also sells heavy artillery.
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Nana's Boobies and Beer Holder
Price: $10
A perfect stocking stuffer, this beer holder is knit just like your Nana knits. It keeps your beer cool and it features a set of pink-nippled tots.
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Prank Engagement Ring That Farts
Price: $13
Let's say your girlfriend wants to get married. You whip out a box. She starts melting and tearing up. Then you open it, and it farts. It's the most juvenile product I've ever come across. And it's also one of the best.
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Talented Motherfucker Nameplate
Price: $12
This one would only work if you work at one of those hip startups. You know, the type of startup where a good percentage of your coworkers have cool tattoos and there's Corona in the fridge but no one ever drinks it. Putting this at the edge of your desk will ease clients into giving you their money.
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A Charitable Giving in Their Name
Price: However big your heart is.
This one's for the true asshole in your life. The person you really don't like. There's nothing better than sending 20 dollars to Africa in their name instead of giving them an actual gift. They can't complain, either, because it's for a good cause. The best part is they will get spam mail for years.
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Extra Small Condoms
Price: $4
Warning: Don't give this to your boyfriend. It is reserved for brothers and dear asshole friends who can take a joke only. That is, unless they're actually hung like a chicken. In that case, these may prove useful.
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Nipple Skin
Price: $25
You know that one girl in your life with nipples so big they'd protrude through a Patagonia puffer jacket? To the rescue comes Nippies Skin. They make your nipples disappear. An evil product to say the least, this could be a funny gag gift for mom. Or your sister.
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High-Powered Suction Device
Price: $29
If you have a friend who likes suctioning things, this gift could be valuable to him. More than 40 reviewers give it nearly 5 stars for its powerful suction ability.
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The Art of the Deal
Price: Get Mexico to pay for it (or pay $7 for a used paperback)
This one's great for friends or family members who utterly despise Donald Trump. The look on their faces when they unwrap it and you tell them, "It's the No. 1 bestselling business book of all time," would be priceless. However, if the recipient doesn't have a sense of humor, they will probably put a hex on you.
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Misfortune Cookies
Price: $18
These are actually quite cute. Each box contains 13 cookies. They're billed as unsuitable for the highly offended. These would make excellent conversation starters at company parties or at stale, quiet family Christmas dinners.
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Chocolate Buttholes
Price: $9
Often out of stock due to popularity, this product (brought to you by Edible Anus) went viral as all hell last year. If you like sphincters, and if you like chocolate, you get the best of both worlds.
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Jelly of the Month Club
Price: $20/month
That's two Christmas Vacation references in one article. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
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Elephant Underwear
Price: $55
Ladies, this would make the perfect gift for your boyfriend. Let him know you appreciate his trunk. Machine wash gentle.
