Remember the first time you flew on a plane and how it was the most exciting thing you’d ever experienced? Fast forward a few hundred flights and now it’s just a big sky bus that you only take because it’s faster than driving. The worst part is when you’re flying alone and you end up sitting next to one of those people. You know who I’m referring to. There are only one of eight types of people that sit next to you on every flight.
1. Bluetooth Business Man
I don’t know how this guy still exists, but you’d better believe he’s alive and well. He’s got his Compaq Presario laptop out looking over a PowerPoint presentation full of clipart you haven’t seen outside of your grandma’s church bulletin in 1997. He’s sweating profusely even if it’s arctic temperatures on the plane. Best of all, he’s got his Bluetooth headset in before takeoff and he’s having the loudest conversation humanly possible about meeting notes from Tempe last week. I’m not even sure he needs a phone. He’s screaming so loudly the person can probably just open their window and hear every word he’s belting out.
2. The Parent On The Verge of a Breakdown
As much as you want to be annoyed at the screaming and crying kid, you just feel so much sympathy for the parent that’s doing her best to hold it all together even though you can see the opening guitar riff to a Linkin Park song is playing over and over in her head. You have to listen to this kid for the next 2 hours. She’s stuck with it for the next 17 years. Just give him the iPad and let us attempt to sleep on those tiny airplane pillows that have less padding and support than a graham cracker.
3. The Determined Conversationalist
As soon as you sit down, this person is ready to chat it up. They’ll tell you all sorts of information you have no use for and quiz you on details of your life that only an FBI profiler would request. You can put on headphones, but that’s not going to stop them. If you could open the window and hurl yourself out, they’d probably jump out after you to tell you how much you look like their cousin. Great. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t know this person, and for all I know they look like a ghoul.
4. The Spill Over
Out of all the types of passengers, this may be the worst of all. Personal space means absolutely nothing to them. They’ll sit with their legs so far apart it looks like a freeze frame from an MC Hammer video. They take up the entire armrest with their arm flopped out like they’re about to donate blood. And if you’re really lucky, they’ll need a nap and continually bob up and down onto your shoulder. You’d be more comfortable just giving up your seat and climbing into the overhead bin. At least you’d have more legroom.
5. The Gazer
If you’ve ever been working on a plane, you know how frustrating this one can be. You’re typing up something personal, or private, or just nonsense for your job and the guy next to you is just straight up staring at your screen. You can try and turn the brightness down, but he’ll still find a way to stare. The best thing to do here is to start writing about him and describing him in very specific details. He’ll realize you know what he’s doing and it’ll be incredibly uncomfortable for the both of you for the rest of the trip.
6. The Instamodel
You know how the flight attendants tell you to turn your phone off when the cabin door closes? She won’t be turning hers off until cell service no longer exists. She’s going to get some very top-notch picture opportunities, such as the wing of the plane or a sunglasses selfie while holding a cup of coffee. “Haha gotta have my morning coffee, am I right?” Taking the picture is only the beginning. She’ll spend the next four hours of the flight adding 900 hashtags to it and debating which filter to use like it’s the negotiation terms of a Middle Eastern peace treaty.
7. The Lunch Bringer
I don’t mind if someone grabs a meal before getting on the plane. It’s much better than the $12 TV Dinner they serve on-flight. What’s awful is when someone brings an elaborate meal that smells like a middle school cafeteria exploded. This isn’t a Golden Corral. Eat what you need to maintain your survival and save the sizzling fajitas for literally any other time in your life!
8. The Instant Stander
When the flight ends, everyone is going to get off the plane in order. You might have a person running late for a connection that needs to sprint off, but for the most part, these are the normal rules. We all know this. So explain to me why that person next to you immediately jumps up and stands by their seat waiting to run off like it’s a line at Six Flags. You’re saving .4 seconds and beating me in the face with your JanSport backpack. We’re all excited to get off this recycled air tube, but you’re not getting off any faster lining up at the starting gate like Jackie Joyner Kersey.
