Taken at face value, ’90s commercials are just harmless entertainment. But upon closer inspection, they are downright disturbing. Don’t let nostalgia fool you; most products of ’90s commercials were designed to warp children’s minds and especially their health. Here are 14 shining examples.
1. Bubble Tape
Bubble Tape drew the line between kids and adults. They stressed that their sugar ropes were targeted only at children since adults were smart enough to know better than eating such tooth-destroying trash. This commercial was especially great because it mocked your school bus driver for curling her hair and your principal because he couldn’t rap. Can you rap, Bubble Tape? Can you?
2. Bagel Bites
Wait a minute. The theme of Bagel Bites was “when pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime?” Yeah, good call. I’m sure all the brunch spots in town were so excited to add a pizza bagel section to their menu. It was bad enough that we were eating this garbage for lunch and dinner, but then Bagel Bites wanted us to start shoveling down their tiny, fake pepperonis as soon as we woke up, too? For shame, Bagel Bites. For shame.
3. Hot Pockets
Let’s start with the obvious issue, and that’s how these people are eating Hot Pockets directly out of the microwave without letting them cool off first. We all know you would actually die if you tried this. The creepiest part, however, comes towards the end when a man that looks like the dad from 7th Heaven teases his wife with a bite of a Hot Pocket, but won’t let her have a taste of his delicious trash pouch. We cut to some stock pocket footage, then when we cut back to them, he’s given her the HP and winks at the camera, suggesting that now he’s going to have sex with her in exchange for the bite. I pity this woman and the non-existent self-respect she has for herself.
4. Socker Boppers
These were fantastic if you were an older brother that wanted to beat the living crap out of your younger siblings and have it justified by a toy company. There was nothing enjoyable about Socker Boppers. These kids are lying to you, to me, and to themselves. Ask someone that grew up in the ’90s if they had Socker Boppers. They won’t have to say yes. They’ll immediately flinch and tremble at the name.
5. Geico
Geico has been cranking out those idiotic commercials for years, but this one definitely stands out from the rest. A guy tries to save some money by making a collect call and telling his father that they had a baby. Geico gets so mad about this that they start shaming him for scamming the phone company and suggesting what he did was illegal. You know what should’ve been illegal, Geico? Paying ten cents per minute for long distance and thinking it was a good deal. Thanks for standing up for the little guys, Geico.
6. Pepsi
There was a popular Pepsi campaign in the ’90s called “The Joy of Cola.” Let’s just stop right there for a minute. You’re peddling sugar water. Don’t try and act like you’re bringing joy to the earth. Pepsi and Coke are responsible for more rotten teeth than meth. We’re going to buy your awful product anyway, so you can stop pretending you’re doing anything other than strongly encouraging type 2 diabetes.
7. Apple Jacks
So this dad asked his awful son and god-hating friends to help clean out the garage since clearly they do nothing else around the house. He walks out to see them eating cereal. The son immediately sasses the dad for no reason whatsoever. Then they bring up the fact that Apple Jacks tastes nothing like apples, but that doesn’t matter to them. They just like them! Screw nutrition! We love artificial flavoring! Suck it, adults!
8. Ring Pops
The whole commercial is based on kids confusing a ring pop with different types of rings. Pure genius. The strangest part is when that boy pulls a ring box from behind his back and presents it to a girl like he was proposing. Why does the Ring Pop company think 12-year-olds are getting engaged?
9. Ninja Turtles Anti-Drug PSA
I love this commercial so much because it’s completely ridiculous. First of all, what kind of drug dealer just walks up to kids in the middle of a busy hallway and starts handing out free drugs? You don’t think he’s drawing attention to himself by parading around like a giant chicken? When asked what the kid should do, Michelangelo suggests “get a pizza.” Clearly Mikey is already super stoned. The best part is when he calls the drug dealer a turkey and just completely crushes his ego and self-esteem. “A turkey? Is this what I’ve become?”
10. Shark Attack
Hey kids! How cool would it be if a giant shark that could swallow an entire cruise ship in a single bite was coming full speed towards you to eat you and your family? What’s that? It sounds horrifying? Well too bad, because your aunt bought it for you for Christmas and you’re playing it until you wake up in the middle of the night screaming about it like Stan from the Eminem song. Have fun!
11. Trix
Someone in the marketing department must have truly hated rabbits. Hey, how about we have this rabbit that has the ability to communicate with humans and the only thing in the world he wants is some cereal? Could giving him his one simple request cause him to share the secrets of the universe? WHO KNOWS? Not us. Because the theme of these commercials is let the rabbit get as close as possible to the cereal, but then have these awful kids come in and take it from him. Why aren’t these children supervised? Better yet, why aren’t they in jail?
12. Don’t Wake Daddy
Don’t Wake Daddy is a game where you pretend to be starving children that just want something to eat, but if you make a sound, your abusive father will wake up and beat you with a belt. Why doesn’t he want you to eat? This is like a “Saw” movie and I hate it.
13. Mentos
I believe Mentos confused their product with Prozac. People would have something terrible happen to them and, instead of getting upset, they’d eat a Mentos and feel completely better. No one in the history of the world has ever been comforted by a Mentos. Quote me on that.
14. Creepy Crawlers
I know they’re talking about making some slime bugs, but how creepy is the part at the beginning when the two boys give each other sinister looks in a room filled with fog and one says “Are you creepin’?” Then the other responds, “Oh I’m so creepin’ and crawling.” Then they pop up in a girl’s room and yell “CREEP ATTACK!” That’s like 90 percent a crime.
