Photo: 20th Century Fox
What’s wrong with a little skin? Even if it’s not necessarily benefiting a movie’s plot, or not at all in the cases below. But if you’re truly looking to be entertained, why wouldn’t you just watch stuff with nudity? Seriously, when you look deep within, aren’t you more entertained by movies with boobs? Well maybe, just maybe, boobs are inherently good, and the more of them that are celebrated, the more goodness we can all know. So if you love boobs, on an aesthetic level, then celebrate the art in all its gratuitous glory.
Post-Panty Raid Scene in Revenge of the Nerds
Photo: 20th Century Fox
The panty raid itself was a show of strength, which our downtrodden dork heroes had to muster deeply. Therefore, it showed character. So that scene wasn’t necessarily gratuitous, as they certainly could have filmed it without nudity–however, I believe there was a certain amount of boobs you were legally forced to show in ‘80s comedies. But the many minutes of screen time devoted to the Tri-Lams sitting around illegally watching the recorded fruits of their labor is a bit much. Though it does reveal deplorable character, I suppose.
Halle Berry Sunbathing In Swordfish
Photo: Warner Bros.
For me, seeing Halle Berry’s boobs seemed to take forever to beautify our world, but that all changed in a flash when she reportedly exchanged this glimpse for a quick half-mill payday. It didn’t even have anything to do with character development, plot, setting, or any other story device. Just execs selling tickets. Not a bad day’s work for Halle, right? Making good money the old fashioned way, while making pretty much every horny adolescent’s day at the same time. Of course, this was just before “Monster’s Ball’s” fortuitous nudity rendered this entire film gratuitous.
Shower Scene in Stripes
Photo: Columbia Pictures
When you have trouble deciding between gratuitous nudity scenes in a film, then you know you’ve got something worth watching. Now, the question is, which is most gratuitous here?: the shower scene, the mud wrestling scene, or one of the two separate scenes in which Bill Murray is lucky enough to have a naked girl in front of him? Since both those scenes only have one naked girl each, then we can eliminate both. But while the group shots may very well be showing off some of the same boobs, just in various stages of dirty, the mud wrestling scene actually serves a purpose since it helps bring the disparate platoon together–albeit to the clink. Did Ox need to remove the female wrestler’s tops to make that point? Maybe not, but I like my points made extra pointy.
Shower Scene in Starship Troopers
Photo: Columbia TriStar Film Distributors International
Yes, a theme is developing here, but it’s hard to think of many shower scenes that actually advance the story. Well, aside from those in prison dramas. I remember being really happy about this one, too, because Dina Meyer was on “Beverly Hills 90210,” a show whose gorgeous stars teased me for years without showing me anything–as was pretty much the story of my life up to that point (probably because I watched too many soap operas). On a serious note though, if the armed forces would implement more communal showering, they’d probably get those enrollment numbers up.
Shower Scene in Porky’s
Photo: 20th Century Fox
Now I’m just making a point. A wet, slippery, bubbly point. But this is probably the most famous shower scene in film history after “Psycho.” So I kind of have to include it. Also of note, here’s another ‘80s film that depicted unwarranted spying as seemingly benign group behavior. At least in this one, there’s some repercussions though, namely when Ms. Balbricker grabs hold and won’t let go of peeping Tommy Turner’s manhood. Of course, that was really more of a repercussion from putting said manhood in a glory hole. So at least a few horny kids realized that was a bad thing.
The Wet T-Shirt Contest in Hot Dog… The Movie
Photo: MGM/UA Entertainment Co.
Again, we’re forced to make a difficult choice. This important film delivers at least five of the most enduring images to have ever entered my nascent mind and filled it with lust. None of the sex scenes really helped advance the plot, but all of them contributed to making this the single greatest ski movie ever. And it’s as hard as Shannon Tweed’s plastic knockers to decide which is the most gratuitous among them all. So again, I think quantity trumps quality here, and I have to go with the completely random wet t-shirt contest that apparently every girl in Squaw Valley participated in. Which is why I first moved to a ski town in the first place, only to find out the ratio of girls to guys looked absolutely nothing like this.
Swimming Lesbians in Piranha 3D
Photo: Dimension Films
I’m obviously a huge fan of wet t-shirt contests in film, particularly the one so majestically orchestrated by Sgt. Donny Donowitz in this one. But as an ardent supporter of true art, the everlasting kind, I have to go with the swimming lesbians scene instead because of the world-class underwater cinematography. And because they’re swimming lesbians.
Like-for-Like Scene in American Pie 2
Photo: Universal Studios
Oh, who cares if the lesbians are swimming, as long as they’re unrealistically gorgeous? But what if the scene–where Jim and the boys just happen to be painting the house of two ridiculous hotties–is straight out of a porn? Especially since this scene probably did more for bi-sexuality’s popularity than any other sex comedy ever. I’m pretty sure most dudes realized that, when put into a similar “like-for-like” situation with hot lesbians, they’d have no problem kissing their buddy.
The Cake Scene in Under Siege
Photo: Warner Bros.
What could possibly be gratuitous about a Playboy Playmate popping out of a birthday cake all nekkid in the middle of a hostage situation? I’ll admit though, the veracity of such stripping at sea should be brought into question, because what kind of sailor doesn’t let the naked girl finish her dance before so rudely interrupting? I think this was the exact moment Steven Seagal lost me for good.
The Nude Fight Scene in Borat
Photo: 20th Century Fox
A lot of folks have tried to throw a penis or two into a movie’s mix, just to make a political statement about Hollywood’s double standards–which isn’t so much that as a reflection on the movie-going tastes of men and women in general since more men tend to be pigs). But I didn’t include any of those political penises because I didn’t want to spend too much time researching cocks when I can get paid the same to write about boobs. And because I know my audience, of course. But I’m including this one, since no other gratuitous nudity has made me laugh so hard as this exclamation point scene, not even all the dicks in “Dewey Cox.”
