Ah, sex. Everyone loves it. Not everyone gets it. But getting some action is only half the battle. Not all sex is created equal. Let’s run down all of the different types of sex you have in life and see what comes out on top. (Pun intended?)
Ranking The Different Types Of Sex You Have In Life
25. Your First Time
Don’t worry, it only gets better
24. Long-Term Relationship Special Occasion Sex
It’s a birthday or anniversary or Valentine’s Day. You two celebrated the special occasion by going out for Italian, where you split the extra-creamy gnocchi special. Cut to obligatory sex that night: You both go through the motions while trying not to burp vodka sauce up in each other’s faces between thrusts.
23. With Her Cat Watching
Kudos to the man strong-willed enough to maintain an erection after looking up into the darkness for a split second and making eye contact with a floating pair of green eyes perched atop her dresser.
22. Married Sex
Welcome to familiarity. And missionary.
21. Shower Sex
It’s rarely as hot as it is in the movies. In fact, if you’re stuck out of the water, it’s gonna be freezing cold. Factor in the mildewed shower curtain and the very real and very constant threat to slip and crack your skull open and you have a recipe for disaster.
20. Car Sex
This is another one that seems way better in the movies…and now you just accidentally kicked the car into reverse and it’s slowly rolling into the creek and you don’t have the right insurance to pay for all this and now there’s a gear stick going into a hole it shouldn’t be going into and oh God what’s happening…
19. Netflix And Chill
Call me old-fashioned, but binge watching Making A Murderer doesn’t exactly give me a huge erection.
18. Sexting
You guys are stuck far away from each other and you’re craving some action. Any excitement generated by the fact that you guys are hooking up long distance is dulled by the fact that one of you is definitely just eating pizza and watching HBO.
17. Dorm Sex While Your Roommate That You Don’t Know That Well “Sleeps” In The Bed Four Feet Away
I guess this depends on how much of an exhibitionist you are, but I’m pretty sure even the freakiest couple doesn’t want to look across the room to catch a relative stranger trying to gently stroke himself under his sheets.
16. Mile High Club
The only thing more uncomfortable than trying to sit in coach is trying to get it on in one of those tiny-ass lavatories.
15. The Sex Tape
Between the poor lighting and angles and the possibility of you guys breaking up and the video winding up on a revenge porn site, this one has more negatives than positives.
14. The Threesome
The parts never line up and someone always winds up getting neglected. (Hint: it’s you.)
13. Pre-work Quickie
It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or how bad you smell or how quickly you finish — in fact, the faster you are, the better you did. Sign me up, please.
12. Cheating Sex
You piece of shit. (Please don’t let the high ranking make you feel any better about yourself, scumbag.)
11. Food Sex
If you exercise caution and bring in the right amount, and the right types, of dessert foods, this can be super hot. (If you show up in the bedroom with last night’s Thai leftovers, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.)
10. Sex On The Beach
Sex under the sunset with waves crashing in the background sure is romantic, just be prepared to be cleaning sand out of the most private of your crevices for at least a week afterwards.
9. Role-Playing
If this is happening later in a relationship, even the most overdone costumes, like Princess Leia or a cop in fishnets and handcuffs, are the perfect change of pace from hook-ups in pajamas with the TV on in the background. If this is happening at the beginning of a relationship, you’ve got yourself a keeper. (Side note: yeah, I don’t know how two separate pictures of Ross from Friends made it onto this list, either.)
8. Public Sex
Nothing beats the thrill of getting it on amongst a bunch of oblivious people. Just make sure you’ve done all proper body hair grooming in case you get busted and your ass goes viral (literally).
7. Drunk Mistake Sex
There is no greater gulf than the contrast between how sure you were about her last night vs. how much regret you feel this morning. (Still, the stories from these hook-ups are always epic.)
6. Honeymoon Sex
Basically every type of sex on this list is on the menu during your honeymoon. Plus, you’re probably on an all-inclusive deal at a super nice beach resort that you can barely afford, so you can call and order post-coital fish tacos whenever you want. Double score!
5. Beginning Of Relationship Sex
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. You have yet to discover that she does not (and will never, ever) refill the Brita or that her mom is her roommate. All you know is that you guys have a weekly Thursday Happy Hour appointment and that she can make your toes curl and your eyes cross with that thing she does with her tongue.
4. Makeup Sex
You fight, you make up…and then you really make up. There is no need to worry about your slowly deteriorating relationship when you can mask all of your personal incompatibilities with some insanely passionate banging.
3. Crazy Girl Sex
So what if she’s a Trump supporter and forced you to reveal the passwords to all of your social media accounts after one date — this woman does things you had only previously seen on RedTube. As long as she doesn’t murder you when the relationship inevitably falls apart, all of that drama will have been worth it.
2. Vacation Sex
All your worries are at home. Plus, Helga from housekeeping has to clean up the wet spot for you. (Sorry, Helga.)
1. Anal Sex
Duh.
