Everyone loves the Super Bowl…especially when it’s not happening in their home among a crowd of their idiot friends. While there are weirdos out there who actually enjoy throwing parties, most of us simply get thrown under the bus when it comes time to decide who should host this year (usually involving one of your buddies putting your place up for discussion without your knowledge and/or approval beforehand). It might be too late to cancel now, but with the following list of ways to alienate everyone who steps through your door this Sunday, you can be sure your pals will never volunteer your services for the big game ever again.
1. Make an assigned seating chart beforehand, purposely placing guests you know aren’t fond of each other right next to one another for maximum awkwardness.
2. Place a guest book by the entrance and ask people to sign it the moment they walk in. Maybe even announce you will give away a prize to the person who makes the best comment just to put everyone on the spot right away. Then, simply never mention the prizes again.
3. Set up two separate viewing rooms. Then make it clear that once you choose one, you aren’t allowed to switch, getting very irate whenever anyone tries. If possible, make one room super warm and the other super cold so no one is ever comfortable.
4. Don’t dress up for the occasion. Like, at all. Seriously, get borderline gross with it.
5. Insist on starting the game 30-45 minutes after it begins so you can fast-forward through all the dumb commercials.
6. Ask guests to change seats midway through the second quarter to give everyone a chance at a decent view of the television. This rule doesn’t apply to you, of course. You hosted. How’s that for a Super Bowl shuffle?
7. Put together a squares board with limited space. Once it fills up, “remember” that you never bought any for yourself and bump several friends’ names for your own. If you end up winning, all the sweeter.
8. Pull the classic “you’ve got something on your shirt” joke as often as possible. Only instead of booping them on the nose when they look down and nothing is there, smear nacho cheese on their clothes and walk away.
9. Suggest a friendly game of two-hand touch football at halftime in the backyard. Once you have gotten everyone to bundle up and gather outside, conveniently remember that you don’t own a football…or a backyard.
10. Leave everyone hanging for high fives on big plays. You wouldn’t want them to start thinking you like them being there.
11. Start chanting “Last, Last, Last!” when the final person arrives to the party. No one can resist a chant, after all, and literally everyone will feel like a bigger a-hole for it.
12. Try to elevate every conversation you have into deep, personal territory. The more someone just wants to watch the game, the more infuriating this will be for them.
13. Be sure to continue to establish a bunch more ridiculous “house rules” (made up on the spot, of course) just to nitpick every move people make throughout the evening. Is someone sitting on the arm of your couch because there aren’t enough seats? Well, they can take it up with the floor, ’cause that’s not how we sit on furniture in this house!
14. If you have a girlfriend and/or spouse, engage in as much hardcore making out as you can handle. It’s not PDA in a private residence.
15. Finally, be sure to thank everyone for coming and act really excited about hosting next year. If you’ve done your job well thus far, this will be the biggest insult of all.
Exactly.
