By now I’m sure you’ve listened to Adele’s awful, self-indulgent “Hello” as many times as she’s called her ex, but this certainly isn’t the first terrible breakup song we’ve embraced. Yes, Adele dumped this guy and then, years later, decided she needed some closure, so she started calling him over and over to talk about it. Oh, sorry, Adele. Did you break his heart and make him gather up the pieces of his life alone and then wake up one day feeling a little regretful about it? Too bad. You don’t get to make him rehash everything for your closure. You did it, so you deal with it.
But years ago there was a breakup song that you probably still know and love. It was almost the opposite of this one. That song was “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men. Now don’t get me wrong,- I love Boyz II Men. As a matter of fact, there may be no group I love more than Boyz II Men. For a long time I adored “End of the Road,” but now I realize that it must be destroyed and here’s why: This girl has treated him like garbage.
I’m going to say him, even though there’s technically four of them, because I don’t know if they’re all dating the same woman or if somehow the four of them had relationships end in the exact same way at the exact same time, but that’s really weird and I don’t want to think about it.
The song starts off with your typical “sad guy after a breakup” babble about how they said their love would be forever and how much he wants her to come back. Then he gets into the stories about how he can’t sleep without her and sobs constantly at night. He also mentions that there’s a pain in his head so severe that he’d rather be dead. That sounds like a serious medical condition that has nothing to do with the breakup. It could a tumor. Don’t take health risks, Boyz II Men. You need to consult a physician immediately.
The chorus touches on how things are clearly over, but he can’t let go, and you really start to sympathize with him … until we get to the next verse. The line, “Girl, I know you love me, you just don’t realize, you’ve never been there before, it’s only your first time,” is a bit of a grasp, but he’s sad, so we’ll let it slide. It’s the next line that really starts to raise some red flags. He says, “Maybe I’ll forgive you, hmm maybe you’ll try.” OK, what on earth does that mean? Clearly she did something devastating and he’s trying to figure out if he can even forgive her, but why did he end it with suggesting that maybe she’ll try? That’s some serious self-depreciating nonsense. “Hey, I’ll take you back, and maybe you’ll start giving some form of an effort in our relationship? I mean, if that’s OK? Is that OK? I’m sorry. I’M SORRY, PLEASE LOVE ME!”
Even that verse might be considered acceptable, but the next part, when the deep voice guy decides to do a little spoken word while his fellas harmonize in the background, is completely ridiculous.
Let’s break it down here:
Girl, I’m here for you
Oh that’s nice. You still want to be friends. OK, that’s not bad.
All those times at night when you just hurt me
Wait, what are we talking about here? Are we about to get into the specifics of what happened?
And just run out with that other fella
WAIT, WHAT? She was sneaking out of the house with another guy? Were you just sleeping through this? Also, you said ALL THOSE TIMES!? How many nights are we talking about here, Boyz II Men? Well, maybe you just found out. That’s a little different, I guess.
Baby, I knew about it, I just didn’t care
WELL, NEVERMIND! Have a little bit of self-respect, Boyz II Men. You’re like the woman that Shaggy told, “It wasn’t me,” except at least she was upset when she found out.
You just don’t understand how much I love you do you?
I don’t think she cares, pal. This is just coming off sad.
I’m here for you
“I’ll just be lying here in the bed making sure your pillow is nice and fluffed when you get done hooking up with your Tinder matches.” Or whoever it was.
I’m not out to go out and cheat on you all night
Oh, yeah. Clearly that was a big concern for her. She’s definitely worried about fidelity. Did you buy her a promise ring, you big nerd baby? Why don’t you go propose while she’s on a date with someone else?
Just like you did, baby, but that’s all right
(Sobs) Remember when you cheated on me? It’s OK. I’m totally over it. I don’t keep bringing it up over and over because I’m devastated. Nope. Not that at all. Crying? Haha, me? No, I’m not crying.
Hey, I love you anyway
Now, it’s just downright depressing.
And I’m still gonna be here for you ’till my dying day, baby
Are you leaving this on a voicemail? Are you whispering it through her window in the middle of the night? Go home, Boyz II Men.
Right now, I’m just in so much pain, baby
Please stop.
‘Cause you just won’t come back to me
She hates you.
Will you? Just come back to me
Do you really think it’s going to work at this point? Like she’s going to say, “You know, the first 8,000 times he asked to get back together I was completely uninterested, but that 8,001st time was the one that really got my heart growing like the Grinch hearing a Christmas carol!”
At least Bel Biv Devoe was willing to admit that girl was poison.
