For those of us who enjoy repeat business from our lovers in the realm of sexual exploration, there’s a simple art of what not to eat before sex. In order to minimize flatulence, bloating, discomfort and other problems, consider avoiding these ten food items before you hop in the sack for your next roll in the hay.
Dairy
For the 75 percent or so of folks who are – to some degree – lactose intolerant, consider laying off the cheese and whipped cream as you seduce a girl into a false sense of naked security. Dairy products, especially in excess, are tough for the body to quickly break down, leading to pregnant man syndrome (not a real thing) and a bad case of breaking wind. Do yourself a favor and opt for almond milk and just drink the wine at parties instead of shoving cheese cubes down your throat all night.
Nuts & Oats
While some nuts are good – seeds, walnuts, almonds – for your general health, others are salty, spicy, fart-making machines that will upset your stomach and leave you puffy in the gut. Just the same, some oatmeal is good for you in the morning, producing the serotonin you’ll want for your sexual release, but too much oatmeal means too much fiber, which tends to overly digest and make you gassy, or worse, poopy. And it can all lower your sex drive. So if you find yourself feeling like you’d rather watch soap operas and cry than get it on, you might be going a little heavy on the oats and nuts.
Mint
Most guys who pop a stick of gum before a hot date think they’re helping themselves out, but mint isn’t actually man’s best friend before sexy time. Mint contains menthol, a compound that lowers testosterone levels and, thus, lowers your sex drive. Any guy packing a ton of gum isn’t going to have his gun digging into any girl’s hip with as much ease. So whatever you’re shoving in your mouth for better breath, right before sex is not the right time. Mint also makes you burp. Maybe it’s time you just started brushing your teeth in the morning, or at least once in awhile.
Super Veggies
Cruciferous foods like broccoli and cauliflower might be good for your body, but they also make you fart like a backed-up blue whale. Brussels sprouts, asparagus and onions make sex life more difficult by making your pee and other bodily fluids stink, along with making your ass more unpredictable. If you enjoy eating those foods, good for you, but maybe save them for the hours when you’re alone, as no self-respecting lady will want a piece of you if your bathing suit region smells like a compost heap.
Fast Food
If it’s long, phallic foods you like to eat before sex, try a banana (which can also be used fo
r oral foreplay). Hot dogs, on the other hand, along with hamburgers, greasy fries and other junk you find at the gas station, are boner killers. Although greasy food works on a hangover, your lady won’t like it when those grubby fingers are on or near her lovely lady parts. The fat content alone clogs up your penile arteries – yes that’s a thing – and makes it difficult for old lumpy to get excited about much of anything. That includes bar food too, boys. Before you know it, your kielbasa will look like a limp, uncooked hot dog no girl is going to want to touch. Substitute with the fish tacos or grilled chicken next time, pal.
Sugary Drinks
A soda might tide you over when you have hungry eyes and an empty stomach, but the abundance of sugars and general unhealthiness of junk drinks only make you tired when you need energy most. Sugars and sweeteners in mixed drinks are major bloaters that can lead to a sugar high followed by a sugar crash. Your best option might be some fruit juice or a glass of water, but don’t drink too much and fill up your bladder before it’s time to get busy. That’s a rookie mistake.
Beans
Beans have a great many benefits, but like most good things, too much can make you poop. Bloating aside, certain sugars in beans don’t easily digest. especially when you overdo it, and make you extra farty. These things in turn lower the lady’s sex drive and overall interest in you. If you want to be known as the guy who can’t control his farts when he’s getting his knob slobbered on, be our guest, but don’t think that won’t catch up to you in the end. You’ll have to travel to far off, unheard of countries to find a woman who isn’t aware of your bean butt.
Canned Foods
Processed food will bring you nothing but trouble whilst you attempt to please your lady, as high sodium content reduces the blood flow in the body. That includes the blood flow all the way to the tip of your nether regions. If you were looking forward to getting lightheaded as you rush all the blood from your body into your little head, think again on the canned food, son.
Red Meat
Some call it red meat shock, but the fact is that red meat makes you tired. Although there’s protein, which is good for your body, large amounts of it will leave you somewhat comatose compared to a turkey burger or anything a bit lighter. So unless your girlfriend is into having sex with a lifeless body – a fetish to keep your eye on – reconsider the sloppy amounts of red meat and try something lighter.
Fruity Snacks & Desserts
Most of the things in dessert – the fruit, sugar and dairy – quicken the bowel movements. Snacks in general (black licorice especially) lower the sex drive and makes your breath smell like your dick, which is quite unsettling. Like most foods in this list, certain sugars and high amounts of it make your body do extra work. Instead of doing the extra work, it just looks fat and makes you fat so much it sounds like you’re running on a field of ducks. You want our advice? Lay off the loads of sugars and salt before intercourse. You don’t want our advice? Good, you’ll never get laid again. Although that was a likely circumstance to begin with, wasn’t it?
