Photo: Fox (Getty)
We knew we were taking on a nearly impossible task trying to come up with an ultimate The Simpsons 100 greatest quotes list. So bear in mind that in order to even tackle such a tall order, we had to put a few ground rules in place. Most importantly, this list does not contain catchphrases (like “D’oh!” or “Don’t have a cow, man!”) or back-and-forths between characters. We chose to focus on one-liners instead. That being said, we tried to make it as fan-friendly as possible, using lines that are quoted on a daily basis, while still making it entertaining to the casual viewer and those in the mood for a cheap, easy laugh. So enjoy yourselves with the 100 greatest quotes, and let us know what you think of these lines in the comments below.
The 100 Greatest Quotes From The Simpsons
100. I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them. -Chief Wiggum
99. Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog. -Homer Simpson
98. Go out on a Tuesday? Who am I, Charlie Sheen? -Marge Simpson
97. It’s all over, people! We don’t have a prayer! -Reverend Lovejoy
96. Now we play the waiting game…Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos! -Homer Simpson
95. Trust me, Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them. -Milhouse Van Houten
94. There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut! -Bart Simpson
93. Unshrink you? Well that would require some sort of a Rebigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle… -Professor Frink
92. Wait a minute. Bart’s teacher is named ‘Krabappel’? Oh, I’ve been calling her ‘Crandall.’ Why didn’t anyone tell me? Ohhh, I’ve been making an idiot out of myself! -Homer Simpson
Photo: Fox (Getty)
91. Boy, I tell ya, they only come out at night. Or in this case, the daytime. -Chief Wiggum
90. Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.” -Troy McClure
The Best of the Best: 100 Greatest Disney Movies
89. I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me. -Grampa Simpson
88. It tastes like…burning. -Ralph Wiggum
87. This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they’ll have written the greatest novel known to man. Let’s see. It was the best of times, it was the “blurst” of times! You stupid monkey! -Mr. Burns
86. We want chilly-willy! We want chilly-willy! -Barney Gumble
85. (on phone) Lord, give me guidance…That’s right, the guidance department. Thank you, Mrs. Lord. -Principal Skinner
84. But look! I got some cool pogs: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He’s back…in pog form! -Milhouse Van Houten
83. Ha ha wha. Oh, sorry I’m late. There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Wh-ha ha. -Professor Frink
82. “We the purple?” What the hell was that? –Father of losing child contestant
81. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it. -Lenny
80. A philanthropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns’ grave. -Kent Brockman
79. Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. -Conan O’Brien
78. I wash myself with a rag on a stick. – Future Bart Simpson
Photo: Fox (Getty)
77. People, please. We’re all frightened and horny, but we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring! -Mayor Quimby
76. My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star. -Grampa Simpson
75. Save me, Jebus! -Homer Simpson
74. Bake him away, toys. -Chief Wiggum
Similar Spirit: 100 Greatest Onion Headlines
73. Hey, everybody! I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and…I like to kiss my own butt. -Moe the Bartender
72. Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts? -Krusty the Clown
71. Another day, another box of stolen pens. -Homer Simpson
70. Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all…nothing at all…nothing at all! -Ned Flanders
69. Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of Santa. -Bart Simpson
68. I’d be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it. -Lisa Simpson
67. Oh boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk! -Homer Simpson
66. I don’t get mad, I get stabby. -Fat Tony
65. Tonight, on “Wings”… ah, who cares? -TV Announcer
64. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. -Dr. Nick Riviera
63. I can’t believe you don’t shut up! -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
62. Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It’s a winning combination. –Lenny
61. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson
Photo: Fox (Getty)
60. My eyes! The goggles do nothing! -Rainer Wolfcastle
59. Priceless like a mother’s love, or the good kind of priceless? -Bart Simpson
58. Science. What’s science ever done for us? TV off. -Moe the Bartender
57. Chocolate microscopes? -Ralph Wiggum
56. Oops, lost a nail. Well, that’s leprosy for you. -Mr. Burns
55. I’m filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar. -Grampa Simpson
54. Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”? -Mr. Largo
53. Ya used me, Skinner! YA USED ME! -Groundskeeper Willie
52. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidently” with “repeatedly,” and replace “dog” with “son.” -Lionel Hutz
51. I don’t mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you’re taking a shower. -Marge Simpson
Photo: Fox (Getty)
50. Hi, you’ve reached the Corey Hotline — $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, Montessori… -Corey Hotline
49. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick’s Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish? -Kent Brockman
48. Well, if by “wank” you mean educational fun, then stand back, it’s wanking time! -Principal Skinner
47. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. -Nelson Muntz
46. This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort, heading in the direction of…you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. -Chief Wiggum
45. Stupid sexy Flanders! -Homer Simpson
44. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy. -Bart Simpson
43. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. -Homer Simpson
Photo: Fox (Getty)
42. Chat away. I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards. -Mayor Quimby
41. When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? (begins to cry) –Milhouse Van Houten
40. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. -Comic Book Guy
39. Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher. –Random Teacher
38. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand. -Homer Simpson
37. My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…malk? -Bart Simpson
36. Me fail English? That’s unpossible. -Ralph Wiggum
35. La…tex con…dome. Boy, I’d like to live in one of those! -Grampa Simpson
34. When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off. -Homer Simpson
33. Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you. -Mr. Burns
32. Oh boy. Looks like it’s suicide again for me. -Moe the Bartender
31. I’m trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! -Homer Simpson
30. Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling. -Jasper
29. How can I prove we’re live? Penis! -Kent Brockman
28. Now make like my pants, and split. -Comic Book Guy
Photo: Fox (Getty)
27. For the next five minutes, I’m going to party like it’s on sale for $19.99. -Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
26. You know, FOX turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice. -Marge Simpson
25. Ahh, there’s nothing better than a cigarette… unless it’s a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill. -Krusty the Clown
24. Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. Then why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl? -Milhouse Van Houten
23. Stupider like a fox! -Homer Simpson
More Amazing Quotes: 100 Greatest Arrested Development Lines
22. Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there’s a pair for you. Don’t like them? Then neither do I! [throws them out the door] Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe? -Hank Scorpio
21. Uh, no you’ve got the wrong number. This is 9-1… 2. -Chief Wiggum
20. Yes, but I’d trade it all for a little more. -Mr. Burns
19. What do you mean I can’t take off my sweater? I’m HOT! -Drunk Mr. Rogers
18. I’m so hungry, I could eat at Arby’s. -Sherri or Terri
17. Oh, dear God. Can’t this town go one day without a riot? -Mayor Quimby
16. By the time I got to a phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him, though…him and that little boy of his. -Principal Skinner
15. You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. -Homer Simpson
14. My cat’s breath smells like cat food. -Ralph Wiggum
13. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows. -Bart Simpson
Photo: Fox (Getty)
12. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! -Barney Gumble
11. I’ve been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly. -Moe the Bartender
10. You don’t win friends with salad. -Homer Simpson
9. If he was going to commit a crime, would he have invited the number one cop in town? Now where did I put my gun? Oh yeah, I set it down when I got a piece of cake. -Chief Wiggum
8. Homer, you’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it! -Grampa Simpson
7. Well, if it isn’t my old friend, Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm, and an arm for a leg. -Dr. Nick Riviera
6. We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want any more bears! -Townspeople
5. Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip! -Homer Simpson
4. Everything’s coming up Milhouse! -Milhouse Van Houten
3. I was saying “Boo-urns.” -Hans Moleman
2. I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try. -Bart Simpson
1. To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. -Homer Simpson
There you have it, 100 greatest Simpsons’ quotes. We know you read them all in the voices of the characters. And for those of you saying that 100 greatest quotes for The Simpsons are not enough, we say – eat our shorts.
