A generous application of technology can make anything cool. My Exhibit A? The Toto Washlet – the smart toilet of the future ready to dominate your bathroom today.
On a recent travel media trip to the Four Seasons Lana’i (…Look for more in-depth and significantly more serious coverage of that experience soon…), I enjoyed a gorgeous, modern and recently renovated suite. Of course, the bathroom matched the collars and cuffs while being as sophisticated and inviting as the rest of the accommodations.
Upon my late arrival into Lana’i after a 10 hour flight via Atlanta, I went to my sink to wash my face. Before I could turn the water on, I sensed something moving behind me. I whipped around expecting to find an errant bellman hiding in my shower. Nothing there. I washed my face and exited — only to hear something move once again, but in the bathroom for sure. I rushed back in, dead set on discovering some breed of Hawaiian Chupacabra brushing its fangs.
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As I turned the corner, motion caught my eye and finally revealed the mysterious culprit. The toilet was sensing my movements and lifting its lid automatically — as if to say, “Aloha and welcome to Lana’i. Did you drink a lot of water on your flight, per chance? Please, be at your ease. I am here to serve.”
I thus discovered the Washlet smart toilet and the wonders that entails. Manufactured by Toto (the high-tech appliance maker and not the band that misses rain down in Africa while scoring the terrible sci-fi film Dune), the Washlet is more entertaining than a majority of board games.
It senses when you enter the bathroom. You can store your ideal seating position, as if you’re settling into the driver’s seat of your BMW. The lid is automated. The seat is automated — and heated. It’s also a Transformer that waits for you to go to sleep before walking out of your home, flying to your accountant’s office and arranging for you to pay your income taxes quarterly.
The Washlet is armed with an adjustable bidet to make it all uppity and European. Depending on how you choose to be intimately cleansed, you can manipulate water pressure, position and attack angle. There are passenger aircraft with less thorough controls than the water jet that sends a Bellagio-ish dancing fluid toward your bottom with this toilet.
Once the owner completes nature’s design, the Washlet offers a variety of flush speeds, including full, light and pulsing. I’m hoping future upgrades include settings such as First Rain of Spring, Horseshoe Falls and Katrina. (Too soon?)
If you find yourself confronted with the Washlet, you have free entertainment for hours. You can put small items on the automatic power lid and see if you can shoot them at the ceiling. You can snag some Cheerios and see which flushing pattern sinks them the quickest.
This pinnacle of human achievement (matched perhaps only by the internal combustion engine, the Polio vaccine and Fruit Rollups) comes with a hefty price. It’ll take $3,000 to bring this buttocks warming, time and pace traveling thunder bucket into your home. I believe it’s worth every penny because when are you more in need of comforting technology than when you’re…Well, you know.
