If the pandemic ruined your love life, you’re not alone. The solitary life many endured to stay safe made them more celibate than a priest. Of course, now that you’ve lived the life of a man of God, you need test their dating style. That’s why we’re bringing you the Mandatory Good Catholics Guide to Post-Pandemic Dating.
These dos and don’ts have been carefully curated so that you can enjoy the full Catholic experience — which is truly saying something since Catholics invented all the best stuff, like Sexy Jesus. For now, sit back, relax, and learn a thing or two about how to look up into the sky and ask for forgiveness. That’s that Catholic way.
Cover Photo: eyecrave productions (Getty Images)
post pandemic catholic guide to dating
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Do: Test Her Bad-Girl Sensibilities
Everyone knows Catholics are built for kink. That's why they invented Catholic school girls' uniforms (and one-way tickets to hell).
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Don't: Go to Church
For starters, Catholicism is one of the oldest cults around. It's definitely not for the faint of heart. Do you really want to sacrifice morning sex so you can go to church on Sunday? Didn't think so.
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Do: Be Serious About Love
Linking up under the watchful gaze of Renaissance Jesus Christ only ensures that your relationship will last. Even if it's horrible and you're not a match at all.
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Don't: Eff the Help
And by help, we mean the nuns and priests. However, it's not like priests are interested in adults or consensual relationships anyway.
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Do: Be Interested in More Than Sex
Hello?! Dating while Catholic in the post-pandemic world means you should be grateful to be here. The big God in the sky let you live and now He wants you to be in love. Sex does not equate to love. So keep it in your pants. Then, do the hard emotional work of getting to know your partner at post-mass coffee.
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Don't: Beg God For Love
God is not going to find you the woman of your dreams. There aren't enough Hail Marys to make that miracle happen. You can, however, tell your church friends you're looking for something serious and they will set you up with every single person they know.
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Do: Have a Church Sex Scandal
Nothing says, "Oh God," like a good church sex scandal. It doesn't have to be the priest either. Have a fling with the Sunday School teacher until a shot-gun wedding becomes necessary.
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Don't: Mix Sex and Church
Or do. What do we know?
