The Republican party seems to be having trouble trying to be the Christian Taliban and hating on LGBT people when they’ve got Rep. Madison Cawthorn in their ranks. His presence is making it so much harder for them to suppress their inner self-loathing-cum-homosexuality and moral hypocrisy. For the uninitiated, Madison Cawthorne (R-NC) is a douchey and creepy Christofascist Republican Congressman of North Carolina who loves coke parties and doing very heteronormative stuff like face-fucking another guy.
“I look at all these people, a lot of them that I’ve looked up to through my life, I’ve always paid attention to politics,” said Cawthorne in a recent interview. “Then all of the sudden you get invited to, ‘Well hey, we’re going to have kind of a sexual get together at one of our homes, you should come.’ I’m like, ‘What did you just ask me to come to do?’ And then you realize they are asking you to come to an orgy.”
We all know politicians secretly love illicit drugs as much as taking bribes or paying off strippers they knocked up, so you have to give Cawthorn some credit for being honest. However, any creditability as a human he might have goes out the window when you consider his hatred and policies toward the LGBT community while, hypocritically enough, he engages in homosexual acts himself. We’re referring, of course, to Cawthorn’s recent leaked video that shows him naked-thrusting another guy’s face. Hilariously enough, the anti-LGBT Republican claims it was just a “joke.” Ah yes, comedians always open their stand-up comedy shows by face-fucking a male audience member. What a classic gag, right?
So since this creep is a world-class douche, we decided to come up with the Mandatory Madison Cawthorn guide to throwing an unforgettable orgy.
Cover Photo: Twitter
madison cawthorn orgy
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1. Coke Face Etiqutte
Sure, we realize you're attending a coke orgy and that means a wild time with lax rules. But there's nothing more embarrassing than a guy walking around with a mountain of coke on his face.
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2. Quote Your Favorite Bible Verse
Even if you're engaging in debauchery that runs counter to all of your supposed religious beliefs, that still doesn't excuse you from pretending to give a crap about the Bible. So pick your favorite sanctimonious Bible verse to use. Bonus points if it attacks gays whilst you're engaging in homosexual sexual activity yourself.
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3. Wear Some Sort of Mask That Hides Your Face
While we all know Republicans like Madison Cawthorn deny the existence of plagues and love spreading deadly Covid as much as lines of coke, wearing a mask at one of his coke orgies will ensure nobody will expose your identity in some sort of future blackmail.
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4. Remember Your Safe Word (It's Nickelback)
If things get too rough at one of these Cawthorn coke orgies, you're going to need a good safe word to shout out. And since most conservatives like Cawthorn tend to be sadistic sociopaths, what's more sadistic than crying out the band name "Nickelback?"
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5. Play Lots of Coldplay
There's no denying that Coldplay is absolute generic trash that makes the listener think they are deep when they are, in fact, a totally empty and shallow turd. That's why only Coldplay songs can be played at a Cawthorn orgy.
