Being a new graduate and forced to navigate the Boomer wasteland comes with a great deal of patience and cheap pharmaceuticals. We had to endure a great recession and then a worldwide plague. This, of course, made upward mobility and good jobs next to impossible. This might explain why 75 percent of hiring managers have caught applicants lying on their résumés.
While legally, this probably isn’t the best strategy to get a job, in some economies, you gotta do what you gotta do. If you’re going to lie on your résumé, at least do it well.
That’s why we’ve created the Mandatory New Graduate Guide to Lying Your Way Into a Dream Job. We’ll tell you what pitfalls to avoid while you’re casting your little web of white lies.
Cover Photo: SDI Productions (Getty Images)
New Graduate Guide to Lying Your Way Into a Dream Job
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1. Studied Under Nietzche
If you're trying to get employed by a university, you might think saying you studied under an existentialist philosopher who died 122 years ago is a good idea. After all, he's Friedrich F'ng Nietzsche! But chances are you won't be getting that Zoom interview.
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2. Assistant to a Prime Minister of a Fake Country
If you're seeking employment in the field of political science or the State Department, you'll definitely feel the urge to puff up that resume. But telling people you worked as an assistant to Prime Minster Art Vandelay of Atlantis might not be a good first impression.
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3. Picked Stocks For Warren Buffet
If you're seeking a job in the highly competitive field of finance, you're going to want to make sure that resume is as puffed up as an inflatable tube man. And while you want to prove to that money management firm you know how to pick winners in the stock market, saying you did for Warren Buffet might not fly.
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4. Olympic Medal Winner
What better way to show an employer who's hell-bent on saying stupid clichés like "teamwork is for winners" than to claim to be an Olympic medal winner in a team sport? But if you're showing up to that interview with a gold-wrapped piece of chocolate on a lanyard, you're really not prepared for a resume lie like this.
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5. Claiming to Have Been a Manager (When You Were a Cashier)
Most employers love seeing any type of management on a resume, regardless of the skill level or occupation. So it only seems natural to let them know you were a manager of Chipotle, right? The problem is you were actually just a cashier, or Assistant to the Regional Cashier, if you want to go the Dwight Shrute route.
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6. Using Sex Worker Experience
Sure, the enormous cost of living and burden of student loans has forced a lot of women to explore sex work. There's obviously nothing wrong with that. But telling your somewhat horny, creepy hiring manager this in order to get the job right away might not be prudent, especially if the job you're seeking is a pre-school teacher.
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7. Gordon Ramsay's Personal Chef
Being a chef in the age of reality TV is all the rage. The pandemic also forced many people to learn culinary skills and consider pursuing work as a chef. But do you really think it's wise to tell the hiring manager at Panera you were once a personal chef to Gordon Ramsay? You'll be lucky if you get the standard B.S. line of "We'll get back to you."
