If you’re like us, Zoom has become the bane of your existence over the past year of coronavirus quarantine. We used to think conference calls were a pain in the ass, but now we’d give anything to go back to that form of communication that allowed us to stay unseen, muted, and mobile. Now, we have to groom, get dressed, and put on a happy face before our webcams just to listen to our boss drone on about his big ideas, bottom lines, and workplace goals.
But just because you’re stuck under the thumb of your superior(s) and colleagues on Zoom calls doesn’t mean all freedom is lost. There is that wonderful invention called turning off the camera, and if you’re allowed to do so in your meeting (or can convincingly lie and say your camera is on the fritz), we highly recommend you do so. Why? Because you have other, more important (or at least more pleasurable) things to do – and they cannot be done in front of an audience.
This the Mandatory Zoom Guide to What’s Really Happening When People Turn Their Camera Off.
Cover photo: PixelsEffect (Getty Images)
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Zoom Camera Off
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Picking your nose.
Hey, those boogers aren’t going to come out by themselves!
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Taking your pants off.
Who hasn’t sat down to a Zoom meeting, only to quickly realize that those khaki pants that used to fit perfectly are too tight in the crotch now that you’ve gained the Quarantine 15? If your camera’s off, no one’s the wiser if you drop trou and put on your fleece sweatpants. In fact, we wholeheartedly endorse it.
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Indulging your secret eating behaviors.
We all have our weird food quirks, whether it’s dipping fries in a chocolate shake, picking all the M&Ms out of trail mix, or piling peanut butter toast with tomatoes (it’s a thing; trust us). Having to do Zoom meetings is stressful, so it’s natural that you’d want to eat something to ease your anxiety and pass the time. So turn off the camera, dig in, and lick your fingers all you want. Nobody has to know.
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Making a cocktail.
It’s 5 o’clock somewhere. And even if it isn’t, you’re not going to make it through another Zoom meeting without a liquid pick-me-up.
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Online shopping.
You really, really need to buy a bow and arrow to blow off some steam right now. We get it.
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Making an appointment with your dermatologist about that weird mole.
It just keeps growing…
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Scrolling through your enemy’s social media.
How dare they photographically boast about their international adventures when you haven’t left your 400-square-foot apartment in weeks?
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Napping.
It’s not that you’re not paying attention. You’re just resting your eyes is all.
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Waxing everything.
Hey, you saw it trending on TikTok and simply had to try it.
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Pooping.
Everybody poops. And most people have probably pooped while in a Zoom meeting with their camera off. Thank goodness the screen isn’t scratch ‘n’ sniff.
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Sexting your ex.
She’s just as bored and horny as you are – and probably looking for a distraction from her own Zoom meeting. Why not take advantage and spice things up with a slew of X-rated messages?
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Watching porn.
Your ex can only do so much with SMS and your imagination only goes so far. That’s why you have two screens – one for work, one for porn. Just make sure you’re not treating your coworkers to a non-consensual gang bang by muting the smut.
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Masturbating.
Jeffrey Toobin made this move famous, but he surely wasn’t the first to whack off while in a Zoom meeting (which he thought he left). He’s just the first one to get caught. Don’t be the next.
