Jeff Bezos, the world’s richest man, has finally announced he’s stepping down as CEO of Amazon. After starting the company in his garage with a small loan from his parents and a list of investment contacts made on Wall Street, Bezos quickly transformed the way we shop, turning e-commerce from a novel concept into the most profitable industry on the planet. Now after two and half decades at the helm (and a $192 billion increase in personal wealth), Bezos is retiring.
But what will he do with all that coin?
Plenty of speculation has rolled in from all across the business world. Predictions range from building a Martian colony via his Blue Origin space fleet (watch out, Elon) to crafting the world’s largest bong through his Seattle-based holdings in the glass-blowing company, Glassybaby. With his billion-dollar fingers in so many pots, there’s no telling where Bezos will land next. One thing’s for sure, he won’t be working on his tan.
After closely studying the tech titan’s business maneuvers over the years, we’ve come up with a shortlist of exciting new ventures we trust Bezos will be blowing his fortune on in the very near future. All other prognosticators step aside and make way for the Mandatory Jeff Bezos Guide to Quickly Blowing Through Your Early Retirement.
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Jeff Bezos Retirement Spending
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1. Produce and Direct 1,000 New Seasons of 'Game of Thrones' Starring Jeff Bezos
In a move that would both delight and horrify fans, Bezos will likely resurrect all 566 of your favorite characters with one surprising addition - a character named Bezos from the Amazon kingdom across the sea. Hey, it's almost worth it to get Peter Dinklage back in a leather tunic.
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2. Shoot Donald Trump Into Space 420 Times
At a measly $450 million per launch, this savvy investment would include paying off all of Trump's debt to Russia and giving him a nest egg to land on when he returns from space, which will hopefully be never. It's the perfect way to test and retest Blue Origin's repeat landing capabilities.
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3. Procure Four Billion, Seven Hundred and Fifty Million Viagra Pills
Bezos could give every man on earth a medically induced standing salute - simultaneously - if he wasn't planning on saving the stash for his own personal usage. Picture Scrooge McDuck, then replace the swimming pool of money with a pile of blue pills, and you've got a pretty good idea of The Amazon Retirement Plan.
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4. Buy Every Major League Baseball Team (And Give Them A Brain Freeze)
In his effort to disrupt the sport's world just like he did the tech world, Bezos would then buy all the hockey teams in North America and force the leagues to merge into a new hybrid sport called Hockey Ball. Hockey Ball will eventually become the first professional sport of Mars (later to be renamed Bezos 3).
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5. Pay Off All Private Student Loan Debt
The most predatory form of student loan debt, the kind that has stunted countless post-college trajectories for the past 20 years, would be wiped from the earth with one fell swoop of Jeff's diamond-encrusted checkbook. The one drawback is that after paying off all private student loans, Jeff Bezos would no longer be able to afford college.
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6. Purchase Every Single Lotto Ticket Sold In America For The Next Five Years
They say winning the lottery is life-changing. It certainly would be for Jeff Bezos, who wouldn't even come close to making back his fortune after winning Powerball and SuperLottoPlus twelve times in a row.
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7. Buy Ice Cream For Every Person Attending An NBA Game For The Next 4,000 Seasons
In a move to repair his public image, Bezos will hit people where it hurts so good. If that doesn't win humans over, world peace is a lost cause.
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8. End Hunger In America... Seven Times
Believe it or not, keeping Americans from going hungry is a very attainable goal. Bezos could feed America's hardest-hit citizens for a full seven years, creating the potential to radically improve our society's entire well-being for generations to come. While this would certainly earn him a Nobel Prize (for life), our money is on the Game of Thrones vanity project. Nothing screams legacy like a hit series.
