The Mandatory Cuffing Season Guide For Desperate Quarantiners During Our First Winter Alone

Winter is coming. And it’s going to be worse than ever this year thanks to coronavirus. Yes, this will be our first-ever quarantined cold snap, which means you better find a mate to hunker down with, STAT. How do you go about finding someone to spend the next six months with? What should you look for in a lockdown partner? We’re so glad you asked. Today, we’re going to walk you step-by-step through this uncharted territory otherwise known as cuffing season during a pandemic. Take notes, then get out there. COVID-19 companionship waits for no one.

Cover Photo: svetikd (Getty Images)

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Cuffing Season Coronavirus

Start early.

Cuffing season is ramping up fast this year because of pandemic panic. If you don’t want to spend all winter alone, you better start looking for that special someone (or just someone) now.
Lower your standards.

You’re not going to marry this person. You’re just going to spend a season quarantined with them. So stop looking for the perfect mate and settle for the good-enough one. Better to have mediocre company than no company, right?
Make sure your interests match.

If you’re going to be stuck inside for six months, you better be on board with whatever you lady likes to do (and vice-versa). You can only have so much sex. So before you commit to someone, make sure you are into the same quarantine activities, whether that’s playing cards, board games, Grand Theft Auto V (unlikely), doing puzzles, bread-baking, or crocheting (yeah, right).
Assess the threat level.

Is your potential partner vigilant about washing her hands? Does she wear a face mask in public every time she goes out? Is she hyperaware about changes in her health? Did she get a flu shot? The answers to these questions will help you determine if she’s a safe person to be indoors with all winter. If she doesn’t take COVID-19 seriously, that’s not someone you want to hunker down with – that’s someone you want to seek shelter from.
Stock up on supplies.

It’s going to be a long winter and the last thing you want to do on the weekends is join the hordes at the store. Stockpile all your essentials now, from toilet paper and paper towels to soup and cocoa mix. Don’t forget the alcohol!
Get physical.

Cuffing season is all about the cuddles. Is your mate physically affectionate? Does she dig snuggling? In addition to making sure you’re sexually compatible, see how long she can linger in the afterglow. After all, sex only lasts 30 minutes at best; a weekend is 60 hours long. You don’t want to share your bed with a cold fish during the most frigid season of the year.
Get tested and use protection.

It never hurts to get checked for STIs. (OK, the blood draw might sting if you’re a sissy, but you know what we mean.) Since you’re going to be bumpin’ uglies with this person for the foreseeable future, make sure you’re both clean – and have discussed birth control. The last thing you need is a quarantine baby.
Stay monogamous.

Open relationships are all the rage, and sure, they can be exciting, but the rules are different during a pandemic. One of the most important traits of a cuffing season partner right now is the ability to stay monogamous. It’s the safest way to have sex on the regular.
Don’t fall in love.

Look, if it happens, it happens. Mazel tov. But more likely, you’ll come out of your first-ever quarantined winter, COVID-19 will no longer be a thing (or at least it won’t be as fatal), and you’ll want to get back out there and play the field. So don’t fall in love with your cuffing season gal. Remember that this relationship is only temporary and meant to tide you over until you can turn into a player again come springtime.