Millions of people in America lost their job and health insurance because of COVID-19. It may be a staycation for some, but others are hurting worse than Ellen DeGeneres’s public image. Add in too many cops doing Michael Chiklis impressions. and it’s easy to see why people are protesting. Still, fixing America is going to take a minute. In the meantime, the jobless and insurance-less must figure out how to survive. With so much of the economy shut down or disrupted, it’s not as easy as hitting the pavement and emailing resumes.
If you’re still looking for work or healthcare, we can’t really help you. However, like Jerry McGuire in Jerry McGuire, we can help you help yourself. Or, something like that. No income? No insurance? No problem. Remember, every challenge is just God teaching you a lesson like some kind of well-meaning but misguided omnipotent TV sitcom dad. We’ve got plenty of tips and tricks to help you live through the dumpster fire known as 2020. To that end, we’ve created this survival guide for the penniless in dystopian America.
Cover Photo: Khosrork (Getty Images)
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The Mandatory Survival Guide to Living in America With No Income or Insurance
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Dumpster Diving
Dumpster diving is when you find food or other useful items by digging through trash. While it’s definitely a little gross, it sure beats starving to death.
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Marrying Money
If you’re attractive, then marrying into money might be the best way to survive without cash in this American dystopia. Besides, even if the marriage doesn’t work, maybe you can clean up in the divorce.
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Spanging
Spanging is a cute word for begging or panhandling. While you could go the classic cardboard box route, getting creative by playing music or writing poems will make you feel like you’re really getting your money’s worth for that liberal arts degree.
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Becoming an Influencer
This is another option only available to the beautiful or somewhat ugly but really good with Photoshop crowds. Basically you just take pictures of your ass while heart responding to comments from simps and asking people with real jobs for free stuff for “exposure.”
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Guerilla Gardening
Guerilla gardening is no monkey business, but instead is when you start a secret farm on unused land in the city or country. You could create your own self-sufficient garden of Eden, but who are we kidding, you know you're just going to grow weed.
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Joining a Cult
Living in a commune, working outside and sharing everything with your fellow children of God sounds like a sweet deal, or it sounds like being a peasant in feudal Europe. While joining a cult might save you from starving, more often than not cults are more eww than guru.
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Going to Prison
In prison, you don’t only get three hot meals a day, but also healthcare, your very own bed and maybe even a new friend to share it with. Of course, considering COVID-19 is devastating the millions of people incarcerated in America right now, maybe starving doesn’t sound so bad?
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Self Doctoring
If you can’t afford healthcare then this is the perfect opportunity to become your own doctor like an action movie star giving himself stitches. Even if you’re more of a sawbones than a Dr. House, if you die you won’t have to worry about rent or bills, so it’s really a win-win.
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Into the Wild-ing
Perhaps now is the time to abandon our failed civilization and live off the land like Chris McCandless from Into the Wild. Then again, considering that he and numerous imitators have died trying might make you think twice before going all Bear Grylls.
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Registering for Government Assistance
While giant corporations and billionaires have invested fortunes in convincing average Americans that democracy is meh, sometimes the government comes in pretty handy. There’s no shame in asking for help, and if you really are starving or facing extreme poverty, follow this link to see what you’re eligible for.
