Everything you think you know about hand sanitizer is wrong. At least, that is, according to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control). According to a new-ish report that came out, you’re supposed to wash your hands for 20 seconds (or for the duration of the chorus to “Hit Me Baby One More Time”), but you’re actually supposed to sanitize your hands for up to 30 seconds, or until your hands are dry. This means you should no longer rub the remnants on your jeans, lest you sacrifice proper hand sanitation.
So in light of this new, vital information (that just recently came out, even though we definitely could’ve used the advice back in March), we have decided to provide our own handy-dandy (heh) guide to good hand hygiene.
Note: This is a work of satire. At no point should you ingest any sort of cleaning product. (Only a complete idiot would suggest that.) Use hand sanitizer as directed on the product’s label.
Cover Photo: Marko Geber (Getty Images)
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Mandatory Guide to Hand Sanitizing
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Air Dry
Yeah, the CDC suggests constantly rubbing your hands together until they are properly dried, but we prefer to use the old-fashioned method and just let natural air take care of it. Yes, you may have to walk around like Ricky Bobby doing a television interview for a while, but nothing dries your hands better than Mother Nature’s gentle wisps.
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Over-Application Doesn’t Exist
While some people (scientists) may suggest a specific amount of hand sanitizer to use, we prefer to let instinct guide us. Sometimes our hands are only slightly germy, and the proverbial dab’ll do ya. Other times, however, extreme measures must be taken and we need to slather ourselves in ethanol. This comes in handy after arm-wrestling contests, using the bathroom at Cruisin’ Chubbys, or getting to second base with that girl you went to high school with and never really talked to much, but you saw her at the bar and her kids are with their dad for the weekend and it’s closing time. In any of these cases, more is better.
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Two Birds, One Stone
Of course, it’s not just your outside parts you should be worried about, especially in light of recent events. No, your inside parts are just as valuable, which is why they deserve just as much cleanliness. Luckily, we have a solution. Instead of washing and drying your hands before a meal, just let the excess sanitizer dribble onto your food. That way, not only do your hands get clean, your insides do as well! It’s a total twofer!
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Put the “Eyes” in Sanitizer
These days, it’s getting harder and harder to watch the world around us. The world as we knew it is gone, leaving a barren wasteland of anger, racism, sexism and Trumpisms in its wake. To combat this, maybe the only solution is to sanitize our eyes as well as our hands. So after applying the Purell to your chubby digits, maybe just go for broke and rub your eyes immediately afterwards as well. What you can’t see can’t hurt you anymore.
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The Good Samaritan
In this day and age, it’s safe to say that we know better than most people. Maybe even all people. We know what’s good for everybody else and we certainly are eager to extend that knowledge. This goes for proper hand hygiene as well. So why would you tell somebody how to sanitize their hands when you could just show them instead? Now, of course, you could just make a YouTube channel featuring videos of yourself washing your hands. But many people are learners-by-doing (plus, YouTube would probably take your content down for some sort of copyright infringement anyway), so we suggest approaching random passers-by and gracefully offering to lather their hands for them. Worst case scenario? You get punched in the face. Best case? You make a new friend and impress Jesus.
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Sanitizer? I Barely Knew ‘Er
Normally, when having sex with another person, you would reach for protection in the form of latex. But we suggest taking it one step further. Abandon the prophylactics in favor of a more…natural approach. Right before you enter the forbidden planet, pull out your hand sanitizer and douse liberally. Seriously. Get that shit everywhere: your parts, your partner’s parts, in, out, around, whatever. Condoms may save you from STIs and babies, but what about all those other germs?
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Just Use Straight-Up Alcohol
The CDC suggests using a hand sanitizer that is 60 to 95 percent alcohol in order to effectively kill the germs that cover your manos (hands of fate). But, c’mon. Why not just go for the full Hundo P and use straight bourbon to cleanse yourself? You already use alcohol to cleanse your demons, you may as well use it to cleanse your hands as well.
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Seriously, Just Wash Your Fucking Hands
It’s more effective, there’s less of a margin for error, and you don’t run the risk of things getting out of hand by accidentally (or purposefully, if you listen to our president) ingesting the chemicals. There’s nothing better than good, old-fashioned soap and water. And that’s something the CDC actually agrees with us on.
