Social distancing has a lot of people bored, home, and horned up. Those lucky enough to be in quarantine with a significant other are having more sex than ever. Conversely, the unlucky and lonely have been utilizing the 21st century’s wide and redundant array of dating apps and digital platforms to find stimulation. Rather than risking their health by going to the bar to find a buddy to bone, these determined individuals are exposing themselves virtually. The Patriot Act be damned, explicit messages have been sent.
Quarantine sex isn’t necessarily safe or easy. Snowden-esque hackers can easily creep on those intimate moments and immortalize your frozen O-face. Regardless, we all have needs, and touching yourself online has never seemed more essential. The best way to go about Operation Ooooo Yeah is to use the most comfortable and secure platforms. If you’re not quite ready to risk it for the biscuit, but still looking to get in on the action, the following list ranks the best and worst digital platforms for quarantine sex.
Cover Photo: Voltage Pictures
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Digital Platforms For Quarantine Sex
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10. Facebook
Facebook is notorious when it comes to sensitive information. Their messenger monitors photos and videos; plus, there have been more than a couple of scandals involving the harvesting of users’ personal data. Even though Facebook Messenger’s video call feature has recently implemented Messenger Rooms (not unlike Houseparty), don’t trust Mark Zuckerberg when it comes to jerking it. That said, everyone still has a Facebook page (including us) so obviously, it’s still cool...
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9. Zoom
You've heard of Zoom; COVID-19 has made it huge. That’s why it’s just not great anymore: too many people use it. The platform crashes a lot and there have been some discouraging security issues (like misrouting of traffic). And now Zoom bombing is a thing where hackers invade your sessions with porn and hate propaganda. Also, Zoom is technically just for business and while your manhood/womanhood is serious business, it isn't safe for work.
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8. Houseparty
The upside of the Houseparty video-chatting app is that it has a lock-your-door feature (appropriate, no?). Also, Houseparty is an informal platform and a solid departure from the more business-oriented apps like Zoom. However, the whole thing is designed for groups of up to eight people coming in and out of conversations willy-nilly; one can even “sneak into the house” without letting you or your partner know (if you forget to lock your door). Houseparty is a family game night app, not a wet-and-wild date night app. You could definitely use this app but something about it feels like playing The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt on the Nintendo Switch.
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7. Google Hangouts
The main risk of boning with Google Hangouts: Google accounts log into multiple devices simultaneously…meaning someone else could use another one of your devices and catch you in an unforgiving and feral state. The main perk of Google Hangouts: the "disable chat" feature allows messages to disappear, not unlike Snapchat.
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6. WhatsApp
Almost everyone already has WhatsApp, so it’ll come through in a pinch. You may have only been using it for instant messaging but its video call function ain’t too shabby. It’s a basic bitch but it’s also secure and reliable (with top-tier end-to-end encryption). No one will run off into the night with your dignity.
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5. Instagram
This doesn't not mean you should start sending those inappropriate DMs. Contrary to popular belief, DMing should be reserved for people you've actually met or know in-person.
Instagram might be the horniest platform out there; from fitness freaks to Instagram models promoting Bang Energy and their Only Fans accounts. Clearly, the people at Instagram HQ have become wise to the fact that people do horrible things to themselves while on their site. The messenger now allows you to send videos and photos that disappear after one repeat viewing (if you want). That said, Instagram is owned by Facebook, so remain wary.
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4. Snapchat
Snapchat is a pioneer of social media sexting a la its vanishing photos and messages. However, this platform hasn’t aged well. The screenshot notification feature is easily manipulated and, well, the new interface is kind of shitty (plus enough filters already).
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3. Skype
It’s surprising that people turned to Zoom so quickly when the lockdown began; Skype is the original gangster of video chatting (since-retired webcam girls know this). To date, its track record concerning leaks and data issues is pretty commendable, but there is no automatic end-to-end encryption. You can, however, embark on private calls with encryption. Unfortunately, no one seems to have a Skype account anymore. Fortunately, there’s a guest account feature that should come in handy...
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2. Phone Sex
An oldie but a goodie. Sure, it’s not the most sophisticated way to get off but it’s an experience laced with good old-fashioned nostalgia -- something we could use right now. Bonus: if your virtual bang buddy isn’t the ripest apple in the orchard, it’ll be easier to picture someone else...
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1. FaceTime
The only thing that blows about FaceTime is that the NSA can record you doing the deed (maybe you find that enticing, clearly Mr. and Mrs. Claus like it). Aside from the government, no one else can check in on you and your partner. In terms of accessibility, FaceTime is king if you are an Apple user. If you don’t have a Mac or an iPhone, you’re out of luck (literally).
