Coronavirus lockdown is hard. Unfortunately, you are too, and you’re not getting nearly as much as you want from your partner. Maybe she’s too busy dealing with all of the Zoom meetings. Perhaps she’s taken up knitting and it’s better at holding her attention than you are. Or, maybe, she’s just grown sick of looking at you and has absolutely no interest in letting you grunt and sweat on top of her for seven minutes at a time.
Regardless, you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. You need to get off, but your partner just isn’t feeling it, and you’re not a cheater. So what do you do? Why, you flog the bishop of course! Obviously, this brings its own set of problems as well. You need to relieve yourself, but doing so in any kind of obvious way will only further gross out your girlfriend. Don’t worry, we have compiled a list of stealthy ways to rub one out, that will help you elude suspicion. As Bo Burnham once said, “I don’t think masturbation is obscene; it’s absolutely natural, and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
Cover Photo: Universal Pictures
It’s not you: 10 Terrible Movie Relationships to Make You Feel Better About Your Own Mess
Let it go: Mom Discovers List of Sex Positions in 5-Year-Old’s ‘Frozen 2’ Diary Child Pleads Innocence Because She Can’t Read or Write
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Stealthy Masturbation
-
Go Undercover
This one can be a game you play that only adds to the pleasure/pain. Obviously, if your partner is out of bed and in another room, this is the safest way to diddle yourself. Just make sure you do it under the covers in case she unexpectedly walks in. The fun (albeit really kind of sad when you look at it) part is trying to “relieve” yourself late at night, with your partner asleep next to you. This is a way to be “bad” without actually doing anything wrong.
-
Become a Couch Potato
This is kind of the inverse of the previous post. If you’re anything like us, you’ve defiled most of the furniture in your living space. But the couch is easily the biggest recipient of your depravity. When your partner is gone, it’s free game. You can lie down, you can sit, you can do a goddamn handstand if you want (though we don’t recommend it). But when your partner is still in the house, you would be wise to just sit normally and act accordingly. If you need to play DJ Diddles, do so under a blanket -- just preferably not the quilt that Grandma Mary knitted for you as a wedding present.
-
Take a “Bathroom Break”
If you’re careful, this is the easiest way to get off without arousing any suspicion. One or two bathroom breaks should go undetected. But if you’re making constant trips to the john, then she will either think that you’ve got some serious medical issues going on or you’re a sex pervert that just can’t control himself. Either one is grounds for some “real talk” about your relationship, which you typically avoid like the plague.
-
Go For a Car Ride
Speaking of avoidance, during quarantine your car has become somewhat of a sanctuary. It’s a safe space, apart from your partner. Whether you’re in a garage or parked on the side of the street, your car has become the place where you can watch things on your phone, possibly read a magazine or, yes, even pocket pool. Anybody who has ever taken severely long and lonesome road trips knows how awkward it is to mess with your guy while you’re trying to drive, but if you’re parked, it’s a lot easier. Just don’t leave the engine on if you’re in the garage. Because you will die. And your partner will have a lot of questions.
-
Clean Out Your Attic
You know that scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark Griswold gets trapped in the attic and spends the afternoon watching old home movies? That could be you if you actually had an attic. Except, instead of watching home movies, you could watch something a bit more…adult. But you’d probably still end up crying just like Clark did at the end.
-
Utilize Your 'Office Space'
This is a risky one. If you have an office in your home, you might want to invest in a lock for the door. That way, you can just tell your partner you have “a lot of work to do,” and you can disappear for hours at a time. Plus, bonus! Your office is probably where your computer is, which means you have a wealth of porn that is just a click away. Of course, if you don’t have a lock on the door, then we absolutely do not recommend jerkin’ it in your office. Because chances are, you’ll get caught and then the office will become off limits and you’ll never get the chance to write that novel you’ve been thinking about.
-
Air Your Dirty Laundry
The plus side of this is that your partner may believe you’re actually helping out with the household chores. Plus, you’re near a towel/sock.
-
Create Your Own Shower Scene
And then there’s the shower. It was always going to lead to this. Men have been jaggin’ in the shower since showers were first invented. It’s discreet, it’s private and you can immediately cleanse yourself after you’re done sinning. The shower is the perfect place for your “alone time.” Just be careful. If you find yourself “showering” more than two times a day, there are probably bigger issues at play in your relationship and you should maybe invest less time in your diddling and more time participating in Zoom couples counseling.
