Pornography may seem like a harmless habit, a kind of tutorial to learn new moves, or an arousing escape from the mundanity of life. But its effects are powerful, and research shows it may, in fact, be ruining your chances of getting it on — and finding satisfaction — off-screen. In this deep dive, we’re answering the question: is porn ruining your sex life?
Cover Photo: Nattakorn Maneerat (Getty Images)
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Porn Ruining Sex Life
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Women Aren’t Blow-Up Dolls
The problem with pornography starts with the depiction of women. Because women featured in porn tend to have unrealistic (if not surgically altered) body types, you might train your brain to find only that particular body type arousing. Curvy women, women with pubic hair, women with bumpy nipples or long labia – you don’t necessarily see the wide range of bodies (that can be quite beautiful and pleasing to the touch) on screen. When you teach your body to respond sexually (which is what you do when you masturbate to pornography) to one type of woman, you may find it difficult to get and stay aroused when opportunity presents itself with a woman who doesn’t fit the porn star mold (and most women don’t).
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Unrealistic Sexpectations
Pornography also poisons your expectations about what healthy, satisfying sex looks like. Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex, told NPR that porn affects men’s “ideas about what women should look like. It affects their ideas about how women should behave. It affects their ideas of what acts should be performed and the way that those acts should be performed.”
Because young men today tend to rely on pornography as their primary source of sexual information, they are more likely to see the depictions of sex in porn as realistic and even ideal. But women’s pleasure is rarely the focal point in pornography. The acts in videos that turn viewers on may be painful in real life, whether that means deep throating, anal, double penetration, sex toy usage, or BDSM practices. Not all women are into the sex acts depicted -- like giving head or letting a man come on her face -- but you wouldn’t know that from pornography because consent is rarely part of the storyline.
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It’s All About the Penis
Porn depicts sex as genital-to-genital stimulation only, which misses out on all the sexy skin-to-skin contact that can happen during sex that doesn’t involve penetration. Cuddling, spooning, dry humping, kissing, fondling; these acts are often skipped in pornography in the interest of getting to the penetration part of sex. Simply the jackhammer speed at which penetration is portrayed in porn may be uncomfortable or undesirable in reality (some like it slow and sensual), and the gymnastics-esque positions can literally be a pain in the neck to recreate (most women’s bodies don’t bend that way).
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No, She Can’t Come Like That
Women are rarely shown as achieving orgasm in pornography, and when they do, the orgasms often happen spontaneously and quickly with little foreplay or rhythmic clitoral stimulation – both of which most women need to have an orgasm. The female orgasm is often shown as a result of vaginal or anal intercourse, which are not necessarily the most reliable methods for orgasm in women. In other words, pornography assumes that what’s pleasurable for the male partner (penetration and thrusting) is equally pleasurable for the female partner. This simply isn’t how sex works for most women.
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You Can't Have Your Porn and a Partner, Too
Pornography can also damage your relationships. At least, that’s what some studies indicate, showing a correlation between porn use and relationship quality. Since these studies can’t show causation, it could be that people in unhappy relationships are more likely to view porn. No matter what drives someone to lean on porn for sexual satisfaction, what is clear is that there appears to be a vicious cycle at work: if people in unhappy relationships turn to porn, it will likely make their relationship worse, which will increase porn use. One study found that couples who started using porn during their marriage were twice as likely to get divorced versus couples who never used porn.
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One Is the Loneliest Number
Another troubling correlation: porn use and loneliness are linked; the more porn you watch, the lonelier you are likely to feel. This is because porn is the antithesis of intimacy. There’s no meaningful conversation, loving caresses, or pair bonding present in porn, and deep connection with other people is what most humans desperately need.
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Porn Changes You
Another truism: the more you use porn, the more dire the effects on your psyche and your relationship. Sustained porn use can desensitize you, so you need more and more intense porn to feel aroused and get off. One study found that watching violent porn was correlated with aggressive behavior. The chance that you’ll be able to find a partner willing to do the most extreme acts depicted in porn is minuscule, so you may find yourself disappointed when a real-life partner just wants to have “vanilla sex.” This study found that using porn just a few times a year was associated with decreased sexual satisfaction in men.
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The Takeaway
It’s possible porn could be part of healthy sexuality, when used mindfully, in small doses, and/or with a consenting partner. (Though one study showed that no amount of porn use increased sexual satisfaction.) But if porn begins to replace your attempts to date or have sex with your current partner, that’s a problem, and it's time to unplug.
