We get it. There are certain things in life that we just don’t want to talk about. Animal cruelty, human trafficking, a very dry hand job. But we as modern men must try and face our demons if only to shed light on the darkness of the world so others may walk in peace. Because dry hand jobs don’t always happen to other people. Sometimes it’s you who has to pay the piper.
Whether it’s a matter of someone who likes you but isn’t ready to commit sexually, or simply a long-term relationship that went a little off the rails, one day you’ll find yourself face-to-face with the horrors of a parched and wilted hand job. And though only you can decide whether or not it’s worth crossing that desert, we’re here to offer a little guidance. Until then, stock up on good karma, and hope that the next time you look out at your hand job horizon, there’s rain in the forecast.
Photo: champja (Getty Images)
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Dry Hand Job
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Make sure everyone's hands are completely dry.
If you're going to do this, you’ve got to go dry as a camel’s ass. Any modicum of moisture will only cause unwanted friction.
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Take a deep breath, shake it out.
What you’re about to do is going to take some serious nerve. And more than a little bit of balls.
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Commence with a loose grip.
Invaluable air pockets will help buffer your delicate salute from the chapped hands of your ill-prepared lover.
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Begin slowly, then gradually work your way into a frenzy.
This is where the artistry comes into play. The difference between a smooth transition and a hack job takes NASA-grade precision.
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Tighten at just the right moment with enough force to add pizzazz.
Because it takes pizzazz to really finish the job. Too soon and it will be like sandpaper on a peach.
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Finish off with a liberal smearing of lotion to prevent further chaffing.
So...there was lotion available the whole time? Still, nothing like a bone-dry hand job to make you feel alive--and extremely grateful for every other form of intercourse that you hopefully will be getting into very soon.
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Celebrate.
You just survived one of the toughest jobs on the planet. Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve some froYo. But seriously, don't ever accept a dry hand job. Unless you like having a sunburn where the sun don't shine.
