There’s not always a sex toy handy, but that doesn’t mean you should grab whatever substitute is nearby. Makeshift sex toys, whether they’re meant to replicate male or female anatomy, can be bad for your body and your partner’s pleasure. When you use a DIY apparatus, you’re opening yourself up to infection and potentially subjecting yourself or your partner to physical trauma. Erogenous zones are tender, delicate places, and most inanimate objects weren’t made to stimulate them safely. Just in case you get any wild ideas the next time you’re horny, we’ve laid out the 11 household objects you should never use as a makeshift sex toy. (But if you do feel compelled to misbehave, put a condom on it first, please.)
Cover Photo: Nazina_Maryna (Getty Images)
Mind-blowing: 12 Strange Sex Toys You Can Surprisingly Buy Right Now On Amazon
Too far: New Sex Toy Dips a Toe in the Pool of Freaky Fetishes
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Bad Makeshift Sex Toys
-
Baseball Bat
No one's orifices should be able to accommodate this girth. Don't even try.
-
Broomstick
The potential for this object to end up in depths unknown is too great a risk for the potential pleasure. Plus, just think of how splinters in your nether regions would feel. Ouch!
-
Cactus
Do we really need to spell this one out for you?
-
Candles
There are so many reasons to just say no to a candle sex toy: the flammability, the gag-worthy scents, and the porous nature that can easily transport bacteria into your body are just a few of them.
-
Hand Mixer
Your partner's a person, not brownie batter. So if you think a hand mixer will replace your capable digits, you're wrong. There's nothing sweet about this much rotating stimulation.
-
Ice Pick
Unless you're starring in a Basic Instinct remake, limit your ice pick games to hand tricks or cocktail preparation. These were never meant to be inserted into anything except massive blocks of frozen water. Puncture wounds are not sexy.
-
Pen
There's nothing pleasurable about the kind of poking a pen can provide. These writing utensils are also on the short side, meaning they could get lost and lodged in places they were never meant to be. For God's sake, man, if you must raid the office supply drawer for a sex toy, at least choose a fat highlighter.
-
Remote Control
The rectangular nature of a remote control does not lend itself to intimate insertion. Besides, remote controls are expensive, and if you gunk it up with body fluids or lube, you're going to end up replacing it or (horror of horrors) having to getting off the couch every time you want to change the channel.
-
Toilet Paper Tube
It doesn't matter if you splurge on the double-quilted TP; the tube is the same dry, unwelcoming cardboard that every brand uses. Using this as a cocoon for your manhood is bound to give you a wicked rash, and should you try to insert it in your partner, it's just going to scratch them.
-
Vacuum Cleaner Attachments
Sure, vacuum cleaner attachments offer superior suction and never get tired. They're also reasonably sized and phallus shaped. But you never want something with that much power so close to your delicate flesh. It could very well leave you skinless.
-
Wine Bottle
If you freak about broken glass on the floor, how are you going to feel if a wine bottle breaks inside of you or your partner? Yeah, this could be bad, and not in a so-bad-it's-good way. Stick to plastic if you must indulge.
