It’s that time of year again. The nights are growing longer, the days colder, and Christmas has vomited all over us like that one time Aunt Judy had too much port with her pasta. Which means it’s the perfect time to sever your dead-end relationship like a samurai with a chainsaw. Sure, they say it’s wrong to break up with someone over the holidays. But we beg to differ. We think it’s much better to call it quits now before you get sucked into the whirlpool of another year and end up going out for a pack of cigarettes 20 years from now and drive off a cliff.
But what’s the best way to do the deed? With emotions running high around the holidays, it’s crucial that you dump your dead weight with care. So study our playbook below and choose the exit strategy that works best for you. Because life is too short not to leave your lover while drunk on eggnog without a word of warning on Christmas Eve.
Photo: gpointstudio (Getty Images)
Miracles can happen: Christmas Tree Alternatives For People Who Can’t Have Them (And Scrooges Who Hate the Mess and Happiness)
Planning ahead: Dueling Keanus: Should You See ‘John Wick 4’ or ‘Matrix 4’ on May 21, 2021?
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Holiday Breakup Tips
-
Fake Your Own Death
Maybe it's that peanut allergy you never told her about. Or a freak e-scooter accident. No one's going to be mad at you for ending a relationship because you're too busy kicking the bucket. Seems pretty airtight to us.
-
Make Holiday Plans, Don’t Show
This classic breakup move dates back to ancient Greece when Achilles stood Helen of Troy up for a coffee date.
-
Take Them to a Remote Christmas Tree Farm, Drive Away While They Are Picking Out a Wreath
For the low price of driving an hour out of your way, you can be rid of your dead-end relationship by sundown.
-
Somersault Out the Window
Look for the nearest exit and make a dramatic escape. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best.
-
Start Yelling, Never Stop
Start yelling. Not angrily, just loudly. After a couple days with the new you, you'll probably have to beg her to stay. In a loud voice, of course.
-
Jump Into a Wormhole
If one should appear, don't hesitate for a second. This could be your only shot at freedom.
-
Ruin Christmas
If you've already made the mistake of joining your partner for a family holiday, you're going to have to pull out the big guns to walk away single. Punch Santa, air everyone's dirty laundry, and set the tree on fire. Trust us, it's nearly impossible to bounce back from ruining Christmas.
-
Send Your Message Through a Terrible Gift
Sometimes the perfect gift says it all.
-
Just Lay It Out There, Hard
Let's be honest. There's never a good time to breakup with someone. It's kind of like going to the DMV. You just have to show up and get it over with. Good luck and merry Christmas!
