Very often in life, a magical thing happens after your friend finds love and gets married. They have a baby, a tiny version of themselves, a veritable bundle of joy that will carry the positive and negative traits of your friend and their partner. However, the way the human genome comes together isn’t always positive. So your BFF’s pride and joy might actually look more like Sloth from The Goonies. Instead of shuddering, do the math about how much plastic surgery the mother has had in your head and be prepared for the worst. If you’re faced with an unspeakably ugly baby, opt for our picks for the kindest things you can say that don’t mention an Area 51 resemblance.
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Do you have any friends with truly ugly children? How’d you navigate the hurdle of seeing that abomination for the first time? Let us know in the comments!
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Ugly Baby Notes
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'They really look like your partner.'
Everyone wants confirmation that their kid looks like the person they slept with to create it. This statement also places the ugly blame squarely on the partner's shoulders. Your friend will silently thank you.
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'Babies are always so...smooshy and cute.'
When you're truly stunned, just say a generality. Your friend probably already knows their offspring looks like an Orc.
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'What a truly striking child. They'll obviously grow up to do great things.'
I mean, ugly people do great things all the time. This is a universal truth so you're not lying.
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'Awww. Their skin is so soft and new.'
Delivery is everything with this statement. If you're overly forceful, it will sound like you want to eat the child instead of compliment it.
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'Look at all that potential in a tiny bundle.'
A tiny bundle of horror. Christ almighty. Warn a person first.
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'OMG. How cute! Is this what you looked like as a child?'
Asking for proof that this baby isn't some sort of genetic anomaly is also an easy way to get out of talking about said ugly baby.
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'They're so precious. I bet you could just eat them up!'
...because they look like a fucking animal.
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'Every baby is adorable, but this one is super special.'
One thing's for sure: being special isn't always a good thing.
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'Look at that face!'
Yes. Look at it. It's like stepping into an abyss. But don't look too closely or it will hypnotize you and steal your soul.
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'You're so lucky!'
Because upon the end of the world, they'll have their own little monster to unleash. Yikes.
