In a perfect world, you could experience everything with your favorite people by your side. Unfortunately, you are a mere mortal and must often choose who accompanies you on the journey. This choice often comes down to your trusted best buddy who you’ve known since childhood and love like a brother or the passionate train wreck you only met two weeks ago but who has you under an intoxicating sex spell. We’ve pulled some of life’s biggest events and analyzed which of these two people is best suited to each situation. Only one will be deemed worthy of a lifetime of togetherness. Start your engines! The race is on.
The 11 Absolute Worst Types of Friends You Have Right Now
How To Tell Your Girl You Want To See Other People (But Also Her)
Sorry, but the passionate train wreck is the loser in our analysis. She’ll be fun for a while, but she just can’t go the distance. There’s simply no better sidekick for the roller coaster of life than a BFF.
Ultimate Winner: Trusted Friend
Cover Photo: Hybrid Images (Getty Images)
Follow Mandatory on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Long Haul
-
Taking A Road Trip
The road is calling you, so you rent a vintage convertible and map out a cross-country route. Who will ride shotgun? If it's your trusted friend, you can bet you'll never be stranded by the side of the road because he can change a tire in his sleep. He'll also never say no to yet another greasy spoon meal. If you take your passionate train wreck, however, she's going to make you stop every hour for a bathroom break. Then she'll get bored and start playing games, like covering your eyes while you're driving. Your on-road adventure will end in disaster before you've even left state lines.
Winner: Trusted Friend
-
Attending A Music Festival
Three whole days of sun, drugs, and EDM. What could be better? Your trusted friend has already promised to keep you high and hydrated while playing wingman as you hit on the lady music lovers flitting about the festival grounds. Bring your passionate train wreck, however, and she’s bound to turn into your adult babysitter, monitoring your alcohol intake, refusing to let you eat anything that isn’t keto-friendly, and shoving the female competition face-down in the mud. Come to think of, mud wrestling could be hot…but no.
Winner: Trusted Friend
-
Clothes Shopping
Your threads are starting to look, well, threadbare, so you resign yourself to a Saturday shopping spree. If you bring your trusted friend, you're going to end up with a trunk full of electronics and an "I'm With Stupid" shirt. Take your passionate train wreck and not only will you get a quickie in the dressing room, you'll walk out of the mall with a new wardrobe that she very happily paid for.
Winner: Passionate Train Wreck
-
Meeting Your Mom
Moms are a tough audience. Bring a buddy home and she might be softer around the edges. He'll flatter her, mix her drinks, and help move heavy furniture. Drag a passionate train wreck home, however, and you're going to have to run interference between the two ladies the entire time. Mom will pull out nude baby photos (prominently featuring your tiny penis) to embarrass you. Meanwhile, your passionate train wreck will try to prove she knows you better by naming all the foods that give you diarrhea.
Winner: Trusted Friend
-
Running A Marathon
So you're finally going to go the distance -- 26.2 miles, that is. Who should your companion for such sweaty hell be? If you team up with your trusted friend, you'll have a pace-keeper, coach, and post-race drinking buddy all rolled into one. If you ask your passionate train wreck, she'll slow you down by stopping to reapply her makeup along the route and grossing you out by puking up all her sports beans.
Winner: Trusted Friend
-
Adopting A Dog
Deciding to become a dog dad is a big deal. While the fun part is picking out the pup, the real work starts when you get home and realize it isn't housetrained, chews your shoes, and tries to hump every leg within reach. A trusted friend might come by and play catch with your fur baby, but he probably isn't going to be there for the nitty-gritty, poop pick-upper stuff. A passionate train wreck will fall so in love with your new pooch that you'll start to feel jealous. When you break up, she'll at least want to split pup parenting time with you, if not take the high-maintenance mutt off your hands altogether.
Winner: Passionate Train Wreck
-
House Hunting
You finally have the funds to buy a house, but you don't want to rely solely on your real estate agent's opinion when you house hunt. If you ask your trusted friend to tag along, he might be able to identify the structurally sound properties, but he won't know midcentury modern from minimalist. The passionate train wreck will not only fill you in on which pad has superior lighting, design, and functionality, she'll scheme with you on how you'll both christen every room in the house after you buy it. (Just don't let her spend the night or she'll think you're living together now.)
Winner: Passionate Train Wreck
-
Having Surgery
Admit it: surgery is scary. Strange doctors put you to sleep, slice you open, then leave you passed out, barely clothed, in a recovery area with other out-of-it patients. You'll want someone to be there when you wake up. Your trusted friend might show, but don't expect him to bring you your favorite slippers, a toothbrush, and a Chipotle burrito. In fact, he might try to smother you with a pillow if you make too many requests. Only a passionate train wreck will play the part of candy stripper, fulfilling every last request while you're infirm.
Winner: Passionate Train Wreck
-
Going To A Wedding
Make your trusted friend your plus-one and you'll be liquored up and working on getting laid before the bouquet is thrown. Invite your passionate train wreck and she'll be the one getting wasted before slurring her critiques of every aspect of the wedding and turning those big, doleful eyes at you, silently asking when her turn at the altar will come.
Winner: Trusted Friend
