It’s National Tequila Day! Doesn’t matter if you weren’t aware, you’ll take any excuse to punish your liver, right? Even though it lands on a Wednesday this year, you’ll probably find that responsibility is overrated every day of the week, which is why we’ve created an honest timeline to show you how this day of mismanaged Mexican-themed drinks will probably go, whether you plan on participating or not. Just remember that limes at the bar have probably been places you could never dream of. Happy holidays (drink semi-responsibly).
Photo: ViewApart (Getty Images)
Breaking so damn good: Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston Ditch Blue Meth For Smoky Mezcal, Dos Hombres
Stealing holidays: 9 Tequila Cocktails To Celebrate National Tequila Day Like A True American
Well, whats your story when it comes to the mystical powers of tequila? Do things end in chaos or are you beyond dissolving into madness when it comes to this spirit?
Honest Timeline National Tequila Day
-
5:30 PM
Before you can get your work boot in the door, your roommate greets you with two shots of tequila (no lime, no salt, no patience). You ask if we're celebrating a promotion. Nope, just National Tequila Day. You start to question how such a pointless observance could exist, but not before you take a pull of tequila. You spray half in the air, spit the other back in the glass and hold back the urge to vomit.
-
6 PM
You try changing out of your work clothes, but then you remember you never drink tequila and suddenly, zippers are like a Rubik's Cube. Still, you force-feed yourself the second half of the shot before remembering the urge to puke and returning to the living room with your fly down.
-
6:30 PM
Your roommate is already half in the can so you try to catch up. You're pretty sure they stayed home all day for this and you question how many months you have left on your lease. Then they tell you they invited "just a few people" over. You don't realize they're all people from Tinder, because you're too focused on the fact that there's slurring going on before dinner on a Wednesday.
-
7:15 PM
You head to the bar. There's nowhere to sit. You stand awkwardly holding a shot and a beer the entire time. The fact one is bigger than the other forces you to stand at a weird angle, but it's OK because the roommate is taking the attention off you with a Smash Mouth karaoke song.
-
9 PM
The Tinder triplets are bored. You all hop on electric scooters to go to the next watering hole. The triplets struggle to hop on the same scooter while you become aware just how badly this is going to end.
-
9:02 PM
The pavement looked like a deer was run over. Safe to say Tinder triplets are done for the night. They hobble to their Uber like injured fawns.
-
10 PM
Roommate takes you to "this great burlesque bar I know of," which of course turns out to be a strip club. You're pretty sure there's some underground sex trafficking going on so you leave.
-
10:30 PM
You're drinking alone at a bar, using a group of empty shot glasses as a chin rest. The bartender asks you what you're celebrating. You say National Tequila Day. He informs you that's tomorrow.
-
10:31 PM
You vomit on the bar and laugh so hard you cry, apologize for the mess and leave a dollar tip before stumbling into the wrong bathroom thinking it's the exit. You walk home because you hate yourself too much to buy yourself a Lyft.
-
7:30 AM
You wake up in all your clothes to your roommate terribly salsa dancing to "The Macarena." Amazed he's still drinking (and still alive), he wishes you a Happy National Tequila Day. You realize every day is National Tequila Day for him, just before you give your 30-day notice to move out and go to work late with your fly still down.
