In a flash, you’re awake. It feels like you haven’t had anything to drink in 5,000 years. You look around and ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?” You search for the last feasible memories from the night before, but can only recall leaving the bar with your friend Nicky to head to an after-hours club. Ugh. You close your eyes and put the pillow over your head because you’re about to suffer through the hangover from hell. This is its story.
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Timeline Hangover
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5 Minutes Into The Hangover
Your mouth feels like an ashtray. You look around but the light burns your eyes. Your head's banging and you wish you were dead. What. The. Fuck. Went. On. Last. Night. While meditating on this you fall back asleep.
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2 Hours Into The Hangover
You sit straight up. You have to go to the bathroom now. You hop out of bed. Your brain is on fire and the simple act of walking is so painful you want to die. You make it to the bathroom. When you're finished, you consider going back to bed, but head for the kitchen. You drink a glass of water and then pop a K-cup into the Keurig. Maybe, you think, coffee can cure this. When it's ready, you take it to the couch and drink it while contemplating the life choices that lead you to this very moment. For a second you seem to even out.
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2 1/2 Hours Into The Hangover
The momentary relief you feel is overtaken by your phone exploding in your bedroom, which sets your head back to throbbing overtime. You wander over to your bed and dig under the covers until your fingers feel your precious pocket computer. You answer. It's your friend Nicky. "I'm downstairs," he says on the other end of the phone. "What?" you ask. "To pick you up for brunch! Don't you remember agreeing to get food today?" You don't. You're dying.
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3 Hours Into The Hangover
Nicky rolls a joint while you cry in the shower. You get dressed and almost look normal. He offers you the joint and you tell him you don't know if that's a good idea. He nods yes at you, lights it and then hands it over. You smoke it and feel magically cured. The two of you head to the brunch spot with aplomb.
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4 Hours Into The Hangover
There's a crazy amount of traffic on the way to Nicky's brunch spot. He assures you that the food is, "bomb as fuck." which does not make you feel better. You're starting to sweat and need food now. You walk up, passing an insane line, but you guys bypass it by taking seats at the bar. The bartender hands you menus and asks if you want anything to drink. Nicky suggests a little hair of the dog. You're rapidly deteriorating so it's worth a literal shot of Jack with a Coors chaser. You do the shot and it seems to settle well. You order food and take a sip of your beer.
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4 Hours and 30 Seconds Into The Hangover
Something isn't right. You take a pause and know you have to get to the bathroom immediately. "Holy shit," you think to yourself, "I am going to vomit in front of all these strangers." By the grace of God, you make it to the bathroom and throw up into a sink. You hate yourself.
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5 Hours Into The Hangover
Something bad is happening to you. You don't even explain yourself to Nicky. You call a Lyft and leave. Somehow you manage not to barf in the car, but your headache comes back. This makes getting inside your apartment an Olympic event. Once inside, you lock the door and lie down on the couch.
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6 Hours Into The Hangover
You wake up on the floor. Did you roll off the couch? It doesn't matter because solving that mystery won't stop your head from pounding. You get up off the floor and drink water knowing that's probably what you should have been doing since you first got up. It doesn't do shit. You down two Motrin, close the blinds, and then slip into bed where you'll sleep off this hangover if it kills you, which, at this rate, it just might.
