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You can’t really know someone until you’ve seen where they pee (and how bad their aim is). Once you finally gain access to their private chambers, make sure you’re paying close attention. What you see might indicate whether or not you should seal the deal or turn on your heels and get the hell out. For example, does her teddy bear collection have a small living child in it?
It doesn’t matter how well it’s going if their place is boobytrapped with red flags so here are some key indicators that you should hold off on getting naked, at least until they get a maid or exterminator in there.
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Red Flags Apartment
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You can’t see the bed because of all the stuffed animals on it.
Every little kid loves stuffed animals, but hopefully your date aged out of that phase at least 10 years ago. If you happen upon a collection of furry friends during your date's apartment tour, they're either underage or have kids they haven’t told you about yet. It might be time to ask for their ID. No, their real one.
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They have more than two cats.
Cats are what people adopt when they don't have anyone to procreate with. More than two per single person is not only creepy, it’s unsanitary. (You know how much cats poop, right?) You’ll have to fend them off just to get a spot on the couch next to your date.
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They have pictures of their ex in plain sight.
It’s one thing to pine for your ex all alone, at night, when everyone else is out getting it on with their latest Tinder match. But to display your still-burning desire for your former flame in framed pictures on the bedside table is not OK.
Photo: JGI/Jamie Grill (Getty Images)
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There are no clothes in their closet.
If your date's closet is empty, it can only mean two things: they are squatting in an abandoned apartment or they keep their clothes somewhere else…like all over the bed, on the floor, in the oven, etc. There’s nothing wrong with being a clothes horse, but they should at least hang that shit up.
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They don't have any real glassware.
Not owning cookware makes sense in this day in age when we can order anything we want to eat with our phones, but glassware is definitely a must-have. (What are you supposed to drink boxed wine out of, after all?) Seriously, though, adults use glassware…unless they drink straight from the bottle. If your date's apartment is littered exclusively with Solo cups, you might want to plan a trip to an AA meeting for your next outing.
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There are mirrors everywhere.
Most living spaces don’t need more than a few mirrors, usually located in the bathroom, bedroom, and/or living room. If your date has more mirrors than that, it either means they're obsessed with their appearance or they use them to give themselves pep talks.
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They have genitalia art on the wall.
Must we display genitalia on the wall? Private-part art sort of forces you to comment on it, if not devote an entire evening to discussing gender equality and how the more privileged half of your pairing is going to make amends to the oft-oppressed half.
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Their bathroom is so dirty even you won’t pee in it.
The state of one’s bathroom is reflective of one’s personal hygiene. If your date's bathroom looks like an animal was just tortured and killed in it, you probably won’t want to see your date naked – not now, not ever. If we collectively let bathroom standards go down the toilet, humanity is truly a lost cause.
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They have high-powered sex toys.
Anything bigger or more powerful than your standard vibrator is cause for concern...unless you're into that hurt-so-good thing, in which case, proceed.
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Their furniture is covered in plastic.
Plastic-covered furniture should have died off with the Silent Generation. The only other explanation for slip-and-slide couches? There’s a lot of body fluid action on your date's furniture. That could be good news for you (they're DTF) or bad (you’re not getting out of here alive).
