Photo: Deux (Getty Images)
We’ve all been there: A pocketful of bud stinking up your trousers and nothing to smoke it with. No pipe. No papers. Nothing. You had a long day, maybe a long drive up to the river and you really, really want to smoke some weed. What can you do? Pop a gram in your mouth and stick it under your tongue for an hour? Sniff the canister so deeply that you get a buzz? Skip these paltry options by tapping into your inner MacGuyver and crafting a workable smoking device that will get you through this nightmare.
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Whether you’re in the middle of nowhere or it’s the middle of the night (and you don’t feel like driving to the 7-Eleven two blocks away), we’ve got enough tips to get you stoned when the going gets tough. (Because when the going gets tough, the tough get stoned.) Next time you’re stranded with a pocketful of weed and no way to smoke it, remember your training: the Mandatory field guide to DIY pipes. You’re welcome.
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An apple and a pen.
The original stoner's sin. Take a crisp apple and jam the butt of a pen into the top or bottom until it's about halfway down. Take the pen out and bore another hole on one side of the apple. The two tunnels should meet in the middle. Blow out the loose chunks of apple until there's good airflow. Pack a bowl in the natural concave of the apple top. Voilà! Extra tip: Stab a third hole 45 degrees to the left of the side hole to act as a carb.
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A bagel, a chopstick, and a straw.
Yes, the bagel. It is both breakfast food and weed smoker's paraphernalia. Step 1: Skip the moil and leave bagel uncut. Tear off an inch-wide, but shallow, bit of top crust, forming a plateau. Using the tip of the chopstick, dig a very narrow tunnel down and across the bagel (avoiding the hole in the center). Like a shot in the arm, come clean out the other side. Make the exit wound the circumference of your straw. Plug hole with straw, making sure seal is tight. Use your thumb to make a slight indent on top plateau and pack one-hit's worth of weed there. Inhale using straw.
Extra points for using Krazy Straws or daisy-chaining straws together and having your friend light the bagel bowl from across the room. Dry bagels need not apply.
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A flower and a toothpick.
Mother Nature is magical, bruv, and flowers can transform like caterpillars into more than meets the eye. Pop the stem out, retaining the shape of bulb and leaving a slight shaft at the bottom. Tear off a small patch of flower petal and poke tiny holes in it with your toothpick. Affix the holy petal inside the bottom of the bulb. Pack the Mary Jane into the chillum-sized opening at the other end. Cup the petals together like an oxygen mask and light that weed-stuffed tip. Namaste.
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An orange peel, a fork, a funnel.
Peel orange and eat it. Thin out and soften a silver-dollar sized chunk of peel. Once it's thin and malleable, stab a few holes in it. Like the flower, stick your orange-peel sieve into the big opening of the funnel, jamming it down as it narrows, until it sticks. Hold it upright, sprinkle some loose bud in there and suck it in from the nipple end. Time for a weed nap.
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An ice cream cone, a sock, and some tin foil.
We've always been more of a sugar cone eater, which is perfect for this next pipe. Break off the very tip to create an opening at the base of the cone. Mold a single layer of tin foil over the hole, forming a depression. Poke or tear small air holes, tiny enough to keep the golden nugget dust from falling through. Take your sock and cut a hole on the toe-end. Turn the cone so the bowl is pointed upward, taking the base and sealing your sock around it. Hold the other end of the sock to your mouth like an asthma inhaler and Bob's your uncle.
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A magnifying glass, a paper towel roll, and sun.
Nothing hits cleaner than a solar bowl. Find a flat rock or stretch of pavement. Break your nug up like you're rolling a joint, then squeeze the particles gently into a mound on the flat, stone surface. Position the glass just right to get a laser beam of white light. When the bud starts to kindle, huff it up using the paper towel roll like an ant-eater dining on flaming ants. Note: does not work at night.
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Rihanna's mouth and some Listerine.
Because Rihanna has smoked so much weed, there is at least two joints' worth floating in her lungs at all times. Shotgun the desired amount to suit your elevation requirements then swish with Listerine. Just a tip.
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All Star Chucks and duct tape.
If your Chucks are well-worn, this is going to suck for you. Wrap the high-top ankle in a few revolutions of duct tape. Then tear skinny strips of tape and cover the shoelace holes, leaving one open. Pop a tiny nuglet onto the open hole. Time the light-and-suck just right and you will get a small injection of weed through the ankle hole (mixed with years and years of sweaty foot smell). Good luck.
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Vaseline, your hand, and a desperate courage.
If you happen to be on Naked and Afraid, but really need to smoke weed and somehow have a jar of Vaseline ready, this move is for you. Lightly coat the edge of your hand and pinkie with petroleum jelly, making it momentarily flame-retardant. Make a soft fist with a little sprinkling of weed held in the small loop of your pinky. Hold the thumb-side opening to your mouth and take a hit, but make it quick: Vaseline has a low flash point, meaning it's hard to ignite, but once it gets going...never mind. You'll be fine.
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A snorkel mask and banana peel.
In case you're ever stranded on a desert island with some fruit and snorkeling gear: Peel a banana. Let peel dry in sun until it's like a soft piece of leather. Stretch and mold peel over the air-hole of snorkeling tube. Find shelter where it's not too windy and get yourself as high as possible until help arrives.
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A soda can and a safety pin.
Everyone knows the old soda can trick, but just in case you don't, here it is. Take a clean, empty soda can and press an indent on one side three-quarters of the way to the bottom. Stab some holes in the aluminum with a pin of sorts and you have an instant pipe. It feels a bit rough at first, like life has hit a new low. But stick it out. The paint fumes from the logo will only add to your high in ways you couldn't even imagine.
